Superfluous

It's amazing the amount of bullshit that a human mind and body can actually endure. I keep thinking on the things that are going thru my life. Apparently I'm a rebound, from a past relationship. This makes so much sense now. The violence, the apathy, the lack of interest and love. I was just in the way of someone's love. I was just a step for them to get up and move on with life. In the process, this foot stepped on me and pushed me into the mud.

Cousin I know you are trying such "aesthetic" and making it seem as if you actually care. Seems like you wanted to walk with me not to make me feel better but to show that you can care about someone. I felt the cold, not from the weather but from the hurried feet that I had to keep up with. The lack of sympathy when you talked to your friends thru your headset, the good bye hug and the hurried hushed mumbling of dis-genuine "you're like a brother" sentence that seemed forced due to my conversation with you. 

I'm depressed yea that is true, it seems like I am depressed because of the people and the lack of sympathy I have been getting from those that I thought I was the closest. I am nothing but an afterthought. Nothing but a rebound. Nothing but a second choice because the best has deserted them. . . 

What to do now is what I wonder. I feel like getting lost and disappearing from everyone's life just to get back at them. Unfortunately I believe that my disappearance will not even be noticed. Everyone is busiest with their own life, to care for mine; unless it brings them something. I'm glad I don't have a car right now, people cannot depend on me for anything and have to show their true colours. I'm nothing but a ride to some. 

Such superfluity.

The things I do for you are the things I wouldn't do for anyone. I loved you enough to fuck things up so badly that in a way I became the thing i swore never to become. You were mean and manipulating and abusive but in the end it is how I handled all things. I tried to do things correctly with you and to be honest I did. You on the other hand just fucked up again and again, I never held you accountable and you took advantage of that. You became one of the many that really don't know me and accuse me of the things that you hate the most. Yourself. You just don't want me to be happy because that way I am your slave that you can control whenever you like. I am here waiting for I don't know what, I just want to feel safe and loved in my own place. In a place where love is exuded from everywhere and myself is not the sacrificial pawn or the sacrificial twig in the fire (a faggot). I need a new approach to my own life and give myself my own worth. You insult me and put me down and haze me and punch me and abuse me in order to put yourself higher from everything and everyone. I have been your stepping stool for you to be able to move up in the world. I hope that you take a full advantage of all that. I certainly hope that my being your sacrifice helps you be a better person not that bitter thing that you are. You hate me and you love me within a span of 2 or 3 minutes. this bipolarity in your interactions with me are destroying me.

 The more I keep thinking about this the more and more I keep getting depressed. I'm becoming an introvert that is looking for answers in a song. Music has found its way back into my life. Jealousy  is taking place in my life I'm jealous for how everyone can find comfort in music and they find it so easy; where as me it seems like a chore and is not easy to find the right song, band or anything that can help me with what I'm going thru. I'm rambling about depression and I keep seeing everyone moving on without me. I'm going down and down a whole of darkness and misunderstanding. Everything I have is falling apart and the only thing I can do is keep on swimming, not to drown in adversity.  Yet again---- I must focus on myself--- not just talk about it but actually do it! I must do my own things for myself and make sure that I am able to move on. Let's not get hurt again. Build that husk to protect you one more time and let's be numb for a little bit. Let's crank that 4 wheel drive and go up that hill. . . I hope the summit is not lonely like down here.