I've Been Doing This All Wrong

 The funny thing is that I've been journaling on and off for many many years. Actually decades now. I've been posting in this blog my own diary. I've transcribed some of my handwritten diary pages and some that for the convenience factor, just posted using this online tool.  Well now I have this new app called "Day One" and since now I'm in the "wall garden" of the apple ecosystem it actually integrates so well. My steps, my breathing, the weather, my sleep, and my diet as well as my location and everything is automatically recorded when I make a post. I can definitely go back and look at the reason why my knees were hurting, (due to weather or something I ate that day). There is just so much information that it can tell me just by doing my journal. Well if I do know myself is that I love the useless metrics I do get from my Apple Watch and before that, the Fitbit. This measurements give me a reasoning of my physical state of being. I almost got rid of that app because is not as pretty as this "blogger" thingy. I can't write around pictures and stylize it how I do here. But the metrics are so useful.

Well I came to the realization that Day One is literally a journaling app.  A sole app to put private thoughts on the most convenient time, using the Apple Watch, a phone, or the very laptop I'm using to type this. Well my emphasis here is the word "private" as in just for me, no-one else. I've been so used to write a "diary" in this blog posts series, and the fact that no-one reads them made me think that this is my private oasis.  Not to say there is an option to make post only available to me, which I have written one or two over the decades. The fact that all the metrics are present automatically is what makes that app so wonderful. So for now I will only use this medium to do what it was meant to be used for. . . For BLOGGING. Public. thoughts that I don't mind getting out there. 

There has been many a time in which I have thought about writing something kinda bad but I usually erase it out of my mind and then write about something else for the fear of one. Someone finding it in my handwritten journals, or two. Someone finds out about it in this very blog. Now I have an outlet for such very ideas that flutter thru my head. Any time they do appear in my head I can now just either, type them on my phone or laptop, or dictate it to my Apple Watch or even voice record or video them, the best part is that is all extra private. Only for me. I haven't had such outlet since forever, not even in my own head, since I tend to censor myself. 

Here we go now on this journey of new found freedom in a dungeon where I can toss the beast of myself without repercussions. Deep down I do wonder if this is really a secure place. Yet again there's never a 100% secure anything. There's the risk I have to be willing to take. 

Here Sitting at the bar.

Funny thing that goes thru my mind every time I sit at a bar. I keep picturing my grandfather sitting at a bar in the middle of nowhere in the Wild West. Little ideas like that is what makes me enjoy these little precious moment that only exist in the solitude of my head. 
 

A Very Different Christmas

 So there has been many life changing events going on lately.  My friend and my child have passed this physical world this year.  This I know deep inside me; is not the end. This is just the beginning of a whole new and eventful life. Another plane of existence yes, but not the end of anything at all.  My child has transcended to a new plane. He has gone like he always did; Ahead and forward to make sure that my path was secured and safe for me.  I will be reunited one day. 

When that day comes I feel now that I won’t fear death as much as I did when I had massive anxiety and depression.  

The one little soul I have to thank this year most of all is this little creature. Canela. She is so instinctual in my emotional “needless” that is almost telepathic.  Since the first day that my child was gone from my arms ,  she was there. Doing whatever she could (bringing her toys to the bed) so that I wouldn’t feel alone and with a void in my heart, to even now sitting besides me as I type this entry.

I should reciprocate this kindness and take her out to walk.  I’m not the owner, she is my daughter now and she takes care of me in the best way she can.  My child, my Capi left me in good hands. 

First time I have a Santa in the house . . . is super creepy. ( I could see this this suddenly running and trying to bite me *shudders*)

 

This is the Christmas season but more than ever I just don’t feel the alert of the holidays like I used to. I’m extra broke and tired af. 

This little gnome garden thing should feel magical but it just pisses me off.  The corny colors are so un-Christmasy more like a Bengali house decor. It looks dingy and ghetto. 

The one thing I could count to make me feel good is coffee. Specially in small containers. It brings some comfort and warmth that is hard to find nowadays. 

This is my holiday spirit in a cup!

(36F mostly cloudy)

Seems like now I have to be looking after my own sanity without trying to bring everyone along for the ride . It will save me so much heart ache and frustration. 

38F Drizzle

Little huge update

    I keep thinking in what is going to happen in the far future. My new life came in so quickly and with many challenges and tragedies.  I keep thinking in what is going on with my life. Here I am in a new apartment. My baby is no longer physically with me and I see myself more alone than ever. 

    I am actually so grateful that I am here not on my own. Now I find myself with a husband and although our lives are shared and we have common things. We differ so much in areas of compassion and awareness of others. He really is trying but is those times when I feel that I am rearing a bratty child that makes lots of temper tantrums. Moments like that is what makes me feel very very lonely. I miss my parents and my old life. . . until I realize that it was even more lonely. 

    The one thing that I really miss a lot, my child. He stuck with me thru thick and thin and I miss him so much. He visited me the other day in my dreams. . . he is ok. One day we will reunite again. In the meantime I miss hugging him.  Canela is another little soul that I really need to make sure she doesn't live a lonely life. I can do something to change that. I have to make sure she is ok. 

    Images of my child keep popping in my head every so often and my heart aches. 

The Usual Culprit . . . lone...li......nes .............s

 Is funny how things keep happening, but it seems like I keep hiding from the inevitable future. He's supposed to be moving out and my dumbass felt sentimental and didn't want him to go so there I fucking go and say "make sure you don't make the same mistake and move in too quickly." well now it's biting me in the ass. 

He has made himself comfortable again. . . 

I have to be honest with myself and learn to realize that I shouldn't be afraid to be alone. I'm afraid of loneliness. I most of all feel suicidal when not surrounded by people. Being alone seems to be my weakness. I need to turn that into a strength. . . somehow.