Anxiety rant

You have created an anxiety attack. Judgmental asshole, you have no idea who I am and the hoops I had to jump just to be alive. The things you have created and the growing I have done. I don't need a fucking kid that barely knows what life is to be so condescending in the way you relay your "help."

I said "I'm stressed because of the clutter of the house" and your reaction is to demean my existence. Then you feel so offended by my own issues as if I'm insulting you just for being alive, and you say, your troubles are soooo hard, your life is soooo difficult. You collect things and you are a hoarder and the thing is that you have issues and you need to deal with them. Fucking asshole you created half the issues in my life. Because of you I feel trapped in my own home, because of you I can't be the same with my family, because of you I am shut from the world, because of you I can't love like I loved you. Your fucking betrayal and your fucking ignorance, and transgression . . . . I just want to punch something and break it. I am so done.  You asked for my laptop and made me feel guilty for not giving you the only thing that I have bought and kept only for myself. Where I do my videos and write in my diary. You have indeed just asked me, no, DEMANDED, this and made me feel guilty. When you have your own laptop, your phone and the video game console I bought; which you use to talk to your fuck buddies.

You don't listen, you definitely don't listen to anyone but yourself. Talking to you is stressful because is only you being condescending about anything I talk about, and how your friends are better. Then go fuck yourself and go live with your fucking perfect friends. Stop mooching off  my good nature and if you are going to stay then find respect for me or get the fuck out. I'm so tired of fucking abusive assholes. I feel like I'm about to explode anytime. My two days off were wasted because of your fucking plans. I NEED to stop bending over backwards to your will. You're an asshole and I'm a dumb ass for thinking that you love me.

How dare you, you dis-help and create clutter in my heart. Cluttered with pain and wounds and your fuking NEEDS . . . go fuck yourself!!

Oh, What a Cluttered Mess That I AM

Today my day was just full of many many distractions and little things that just made me want to punch anyone in the face. From my car to my job to everything in between. I have been having many issues with my car. starting with the fact that I can't use it when it rains because it would stall on me. I had an armrest that was flimsy and that was partially broken so it took me about a year to finally get another one and then to actually install it was an ordeal in itself. I had to move the seat that won't budge. Everything is put together with zippy ties in this car. Get special tools to move somethings in the freaking heat, but finally I install it into place and here comes my fucking coworker and leans on this shit that was supposed to be able to be leaned on. IT'S A FREAKING ARM REST!"

----Anyway, the thing breaks and he tried to play it cool by not mentioning it but I saw it all happen in front of him.  He never apologized and it kinda tried to ignore it as if nothing happened. This damn thing is tearing a hole inside me. The damn flimsy shit is just there broken and doing NOT what is supposed to be doing. I'm dreading the fact that I have to fix it again.

----The other thing is that I came home and I'm trying to be on my laptop trying to not think about that and distract me from the world and the damn coffee table is too small to do any kind of work. So I end up bringing a  desk from the attic and everything gets out of order in the living room. The desk won't go with the decor, everything looks messy. So here I am moving things around, rearranging things and plugging and unplugging things to make sure that everything is in order and that it flows with the design; it is just not doing it.

I feel that everything here that I'm trying to do is rearrange and move things to make things work. . . I feel that this is more to do with the things going on in my life than anything else. Perhaps I'm trying to rearrange and move things so that other things in my life click into place, so that order and balance can be restored in my mind and in my heart. As I am typing this at two thirty in the morning, I am surrounded by clutter that makes me feel uneasy. The same clutter that distracts me in my mind and in my life from the real issues that I so hard try not to face.

............................................My coworker is still and asshole!