A painful peaceful night

I stare at that stool you kicked looking for comfort in cold sheets.

Once again I'm here... Here on the floor kicked and abused once more.  Just when I'm close to open the doors to my heart---there it goes again.  That abuse all over again.  I see you kick a chair to me,  throw a book at my head,  threaten me to break the porcelain doll I like,  smack a beer bottle so that it gets all over for me to clean.  But I'm the one "gas lighting"  you.  You're not a good person.  You are a selfish little brat that loves to manipulate your environment to your advantage to the cost  of others.  There's no honor in you.  There never was.  I put up with you because I feel trapped.  I don't know what to do,  where to go.  I'm alone.  My parents don't want to hear this,  my siblings won't know about this.  And  I - - - I just stay here and take it.  Though I should no longer.  I should kick you out of my life like you did to me.  Convenience is such an awesome thing when they're totally in love with you.  Sadly for me you're totally in love with yourself.  You don't know how to love. Only how to love yourself and sometimes I even whine about that.  Thus the need for approval from strangers.  Unjustified anger and frustration, that is you.

Kicks with Love

I remember the first time you shoved me. The first time you kicked me out of your bosom. Forcefully and coldly as if I'm not anyone you cared about or "loved" (perhaps is because you never did). It was like a cold knife going thru my heart and chilling the blood in my veins. I felt the chill of dejection caused by your own acts of rejection. I was no one, I had no value to you I was a THING that bothered you that was better to kick away (literally).   Almost three years from that and now your kicks stab at a numb and callous heart. The physical pain is not what I cared, it was the emotion, the hurt, the betrayal, that I cared. Now, this wounded heart is nothing but a numb entity that can follow his day as if nothing had happen. Your kisses which you claim is love is nothing but a ticking bomb waiting for your next mood swing that will leave me paralyzed. Your violence and negligence makes me want to vomit in discord. Not even hate, but this ------------------------- NOTHING as if I'm a zombie created by the darker side of love. This is me right now. I don't know what are you anymore, yet . . . this was always YOU!

Mental Quake

Confrontations with you
 always make me bleed

Who am I kidding. . . I AM JEALOUS !!!  You can make up whatever story you want to try to get out of the house, but you are as clear to read as this very post.  I know what you do, I know who you do, and worst of all. . . I know of the guilt you feel when you see me after your sin. I am sickened of myself for playing in your charade. Unfortunately
for my mental health I DO still LOVE you.

----- but I don't TRUST you----

New paths new form to traveling

I'm about to embark in a whole new way of looking at myself in the mirror.  I have recently taken matters into my own hands; cutting my own hair, etc. Trying to do things that I  would pay someone else and their expertise to do for me now under my own supervision and in my own hands.  With this I am embarking in a whole new supplement regiment. I'm trying these new pills, I'm not one to condone using supplements like this and I know the dangers of using drugs for anything. I'm taking a leap of faith and hopefully this supplement helps with my skin and complexion. I'm trying to stay objective as far as the results but if things go as planned I won't have an allergic reaction to this and my complexion will be much fairer and definitely will help with the allergy I have towards Capi. I'm a bit weary of it given the fact that these pills need to be ordered from Japan but hopefully it helps and work as they should. Unfortunately they are not cheap.  Something to keep in mind. I'll try them for a month and see if anything is happening i.e. allergic reactions, side effects etc. If they do what they claim to do I might just have to order another expensive batch of them for the next month. Wish me tons of luck. Listening to  Yoko Kanno "Voices"

Limbo

Limbo is the best way to describe what is going on currently in my life. Everything seems to be just "happening" without anything really happening. Relationships are beautiful if it is reciprocated; otherwise they just suck big time. I feel that this kid has a good heart and good intentions but to be completely honest I believe he might be bipolar and definitely needs to go on medication to be able to control that temper of his. I have been dealing with a lot of mood swings and definitely a lot of bullshit. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, is constant abuse and the funny thing is that I get blamed for everything. . . by him. At this point in my life I'm really wondering about the amount of bullshit I am willing to continue to endure for this kid. . . I feel a bit dead inside, as if nothing really keeps on happening and I'm just going with the motions.Listening to The Path by Zoe Keating.

Double the Commitment -Reprised

So reading back on the last post I made is definitely interesting and a reminder of the reason why I'm writing this blog to begin with. Looking in retrospective I can see "progress" or regress of my mental stability. So I got my second job at TGI Friday's and from the very beginning this place was hectic, full of fake people and definitely full of  pretentious bosses and co-workers. I hated that place. Every time I had to go to work my stomach fell to the ground.  I realized how much of a family my first job really was to me.  The extra time I spent working was almost inhuman. I had to work at my first job at 7am and get out at 4pm just to start my other job at 5pm to 3 or 4 am. On top of that I had to go get that ingrate of my ex from his house so he could come to my house. He really didn't cared how tired I was. The only thing he cared was where he was going to sleep, eat and stay. Never once did he asked me if I was tired, or just have the damn decency to just stay at his place and not bitch at me every time he saw me.

This commitment was supposed to keep my mind off things; allow me to continue living and forget about the heart broken boy that I am.  Unfortunately the only thing that this did was to establish that "care" my ex has for me.  I doubled the commitment and in turn I doubled the rejection. I could not take it anymore so I finally put my two weeks in. Quitting such a horrible place was the liberation I needed. I literally told everyone I worked with, that I hated it that place. It was causing more mental instability than the one it was meant to fix.

Now I only have one job. The money is not as good as I was making before, but it is a place I love. My boss, my coworkers and the schedule . . . definitely the schedule. As for the relationship thing; I'm not sure where I stand in that issue. At this point I'm just going with the flow.

Double The Commitment = Independence? Moving On?

Things are definitely having an interesting hue. Everything has turned so complicated. the relationship I was in is over. Who am I kidding? Even though he broke up with me the day after my birthday the relationship continues in a new fucked-up way.  I'm the one dealing with his bullshit all over again with the given benefit of being called nothing but the "EX" . On the bright side
I'm actually much more relaxed,  I'm not worried about who he is cheating on me with,  or if he is lying to me.  It really doesn't matter that much anymore. The issue that I now have is the fact that he likes the fact that I am dependable and always there when he needs me; so he is jealous of me and that  doesn't allow me to move on.  I still come home and stare at the curtains in my room's window hoping that I see light,  meaning that he is home for me.  Unfortunately the truth is that he is here because of him.  His mental stability,  his financial security,  his own laziness and his own selfish ways.  There is no honest concern about  me... The one who provides.  I'm just  Santa bringing all these things.  At this point I hope that my second job keeps me so busy that I would be so absent from everything that everyone would have to finally stop waiting for me to do everything for them...  I can only hope.