A painful peaceful night

I stare at that stool you kicked looking for comfort in cold sheets.

Once again I'm here... Here on the floor kicked and abused once more.  Just when I'm close to open the doors to my heart---there it goes again.  That abuse all over again.  I see you kick a chair to me,  throw a book at my head,  threaten me to break the porcelain doll I like,  smack a beer bottle so that it gets all over for me to clean.  But I'm the one "gas lighting"  you.  You're not a good person.  You are a selfish little brat that loves to manipulate your environment to your advantage to the cost  of others.  There's no honor in you.  There never was.  I put up with you because I feel trapped.  I don't know what to do,  where to go.  I'm alone.  My parents don't want to hear this,  my siblings won't know about this.  And  I - - - I just stay here and take it.  Though I should no longer.  I should kick you out of my life like you did to me.  Convenience is such an awesome thing when they're totally in love with you.  Sadly for me you're totally in love with yourself.  You don't know how to love. Only how to love yourself and sometimes I even whine about that.  Thus the need for approval from strangers.  Unjustified anger and frustration, that is you.

The Struggle Goes On

    Just when you think that everything is fine and you can look forward in life. . . Shit happens.
It has been a long year with definitely life changing events and the only thing that really keeps me going is "I don't know." Such is the realization of the cruel reality that I see that in many many ways is easier to comprehend a science fiction novel. It amazes me the amount of turmoil a human being can withstand as well as the amount of cruelty another one can inflict. Sure no one's life is particularly easy, and I shouldn't be bragging but you know what? This is my fucking diary so yea this is my own "private" way of complaining to help myself feel a little bit more human, a little bit more "normal" and definitely in order to keep an open heart and not drown into bitterness. In a way, a cathartic way of releasing poison that is injected to me on the daily.  Who in their right minds actually loves to get rejected by everything and everyone first thing in the morning to the end of the night. I many times feel, experience and am exactly that. When you feel that PUSH, it used to make my blood boil, now it just makes my heart cry and break a little more each time. All in all I'm beginning to become so broken I'm beginning to take any shape, no wall not anything just pieces so small I become grains of sand in the soon to be broken hourglass.