It Takes Less Effort to Love Than To Hate

Not sure if things are getting better or I'm getting better at numbing the pain. The jealousy, the hurt, the hate, the misguided love and definitely the mismanaged time seems like a blur. I'm the one in the driver seat of a motorcycle in a snowstorm. . . I have frozen up but keep on driving against the wind. I must continue and address one thing at the time.

I keep thinking that karma is going to get all of those that have hurt me but to be honest it doesn't really work in that way. Those people also have a lot of love for me; in their own fucked up way they do care and "love" me, or at least know that I exist. Is not all black and white, all is gray and some shades darker than others making this a difficult way to hate anyone. The only thing left over to do is to love, love, and LOVE more than I ever could.

The Second Coming . . . Out

So it has been about a week since I dragged my cousin to his first bar, and I have to say that it has turned wonderfully. I discovered he has a huge tolerance to alcohol, and that he can definitely hold his liquor. That night he was super talkative and outgoing. Something that is not like him at all. He went outside to smoke and plain out asked me, "are you gay?" my answer was a bit defensive and I asked him "why, are YOU gay?" He so nonchalant responded may be bi if anything. This though has brought us super close in the few days since this declaration. He learned that I myself am bi and that I had a girl that I loved. I learned that he came out to his family already and that they think that this whole thing is a phase.  Last night we were drinking at the same bar and we started talking in the car until 2:30 am. He told me things about his ex and I told him about mine. I told him my coming out story and how wonderfully bad it was. As I was telling him the story I could see him feel the emotions I felt when I came out. I saw him sobbing and actually crying. He reached over to hug me and for some weird reason, I had no emotion to that. HE was crying for me, he was sympathetic to my pain. . . he was empathetic to me. Someone actually cared enough to feel what I felt, to cry because I couldn't cry, to make me feel strong and loved. He was being my rock, my pillar. Non-judgmental,  but a genuine human being that felt for me, on top of that he was my family. Where was he when this whole thing was happening before. . . he was going thru the same thing as I was, yet we were both dealing with it in such a lonely way; destructive way. He seems happy now, I am happy to have met him. Even though our ages differ for about 10 years exactly, I look up to him. He is my model of life right now and he doesn't even know it. I am re-discovering myself, trying to grasp the last of my youth. Scratching to stay connected and relevant. I feel so disassociated, isolated.  I am happy for the things and people that have come into my life. I shouldn't feel this depressed.

Why?

What am I doing here? Being kicked around, ignored, and mishandled.  What have I done again?

These are the questions that I keep getting no answer in the whole time that my relationship has been going on. Unfortunately the actual answer seems to just be right in front of me all this time. I should be strong and see the reality of this relationship

The Struggle Goes On

    Just when you think that everything is fine and you can look forward in life. . . Shit happens.
It has been a long year with definitely life changing events and the only thing that really keeps me going is "I don't know." Such is the realization of the cruel reality that I see that in many many ways is easier to comprehend a science fiction novel. It amazes me the amount of turmoil a human being can withstand as well as the amount of cruelty another one can inflict. Sure no one's life is particularly easy, and I shouldn't be bragging but you know what? This is my fucking diary so yea this is my own "private" way of complaining to help myself feel a little bit more human, a little bit more "normal" and definitely in order to keep an open heart and not drown into bitterness. In a way, a cathartic way of releasing poison that is injected to me on the daily.  Who in their right minds actually loves to get rejected by everything and everyone first thing in the morning to the end of the night. I many times feel, experience and am exactly that. When you feel that PUSH, it used to make my blood boil, now it just makes my heart cry and break a little more each time. All in all I'm beginning to become so broken I'm beginning to take any shape, no wall not anything just pieces so small I become grains of sand in the soon to be broken hourglass.