It Takes Less Effort to Love Than To Hate

Not sure if things are getting better or I'm getting better at numbing the pain. The jealousy, the hurt, the hate, the misguided love and definitely the mismanaged time seems like a blur. I'm the one in the driver seat of a motorcycle in a snowstorm. . . I have frozen up but keep on driving against the wind. I must continue and address one thing at the time.

I keep thinking that karma is going to get all of those that have hurt me but to be honest it doesn't really work in that way. Those people also have a lot of love for me; in their own fucked up way they do care and "love" me, or at least know that I exist. Is not all black and white, all is gray and some shades darker than others making this a difficult way to hate anyone. The only thing left over to do is to love, love, and LOVE more than I ever could.

Isn't it a human thing to hate to be hated? Perhaps is human to hate.

       So I have been a bit calculating about the relationships I have with people and my regular interactions with my coworkers. In retrospective most of them have been quite nice to me. A bit more friend than coworker. Ironically in that self reflection I have come to realize the fact that the people that judge me the most and have the worst things to say about me, is my own family. My uncle working there is the one that is so awkward to me and thru my cousin I have found out that he doesn't like me. I'm fine with it but ironically deep deep inside me this is eating me. It is always an asshole who tends to judge you by your sexuality but has no idea of who you really are. On his birthday I hugged him and said happy birthday. That was the coldest most awkward hug I have given a statue. My uncle. This guy didn't even say thank you he just walked away. My ex is completely right I keep looking for acknowledgment from people that don't deserve to be acknowledged themselves. It eats at me not having this in my life. Acceptance has been always such a hard thing for  me to get. It has always been hate and misunderstanding. Rarely I get someone who wants to and is capable of understanding me. Seems to me that only my dog is the one that truly doesn't judge me and love me unconditionally. The opinions of my uncle can be shoved up his fucking straight homophobic asshole, where they belong. This is my space to rant so fuck you uncle, fuck you cousin for using sexuality to fit in with your insecurities and fuck all the people that used me to get something and threw me in a ditch when I was not of use to them. All of you can go suck a dick and I hope you find each other with the person you were with me.  I hope you feel what I felt and that you can reflect in  your irrational spread of hatred.  I hope guilt eats at you for all the things that you have done to people like me.
     Persecution ends here and it ends now. If you hate me I hope that such hate isolates you from intelligible rational human beings that have a sense of compassion and "humanity."

PS. Fuck you all!