Isn't it a human thing to hate to be hated? Perhaps is human to hate.

       So I have been a bit calculating about the relationships I have with people and my regular interactions with my coworkers. In retrospective most of them have been quite nice to me. A bit more friend than coworker. Ironically in that self reflection I have come to realize the fact that the people that judge me the most and have the worst things to say about me, is my own family. My uncle working there is the one that is so awkward to me and thru my cousin I have found out that he doesn't like me. I'm fine with it but ironically deep deep inside me this is eating me. It is always an asshole who tends to judge you by your sexuality but has no idea of who you really are. On his birthday I hugged him and said happy birthday. That was the coldest most awkward hug I have given a statue. My uncle. This guy didn't even say thank you he just walked away. My ex is completely right I keep looking for acknowledgment from people that don't deserve to be acknowledged themselves. It eats at me not having this in my life. Acceptance has been always such a hard thing for  me to get. It has always been hate and misunderstanding. Rarely I get someone who wants to and is capable of understanding me. Seems to me that only my dog is the one that truly doesn't judge me and love me unconditionally. The opinions of my uncle can be shoved up his fucking straight homophobic asshole, where they belong. This is my space to rant so fuck you uncle, fuck you cousin for using sexuality to fit in with your insecurities and fuck all the people that used me to get something and threw me in a ditch when I was not of use to them. All of you can go suck a dick and I hope you find each other with the person you were with me.  I hope you feel what I felt and that you can reflect in  your irrational spread of hatred.  I hope guilt eats at you for all the things that you have done to people like me.
     Persecution ends here and it ends now. If you hate me I hope that such hate isolates you from intelligible rational human beings that have a sense of compassion and "humanity."

PS. Fuck you all!

Why is it so hard to be me?

It sounds as if it's the rant of a needy teen that's always had everything.  The sad part is that at least in my eyes I keep thinking that is not quite like that.  The  truth is that I have been taking care of everyone in my house since I swap a small child and to be completely honest it seems like this has been my nature since then.  Take care of everyone and everything in order for the rest to be comfortable and happy even at the sacrifice of myself. Now as I keep on continuing this relationship I,  more than ever,  seem to actually be taking some time for myself and it feels so foreing and desperation... it feels wrong.  One of the things my boyfriend told me was  "you're to busy taking care of everybody,  but  who's taking care of you? " - - - at that moment I realized that he was completely right.  Who's taking care of me?  Even with all of this in here I feel ... Still...  Alone.  I'm walking alone in this path and quite frankly and unfortunately the only one I have to rely on to go on is me.

Hold my hand along the candle-lit path of freedom

It has been about 3 haircuts since last time I did the first "cut" to the umbilical cord that has tied me inside of a wall of ice.  My reasoning has always been to protect my family from the shame of having a son like me. It is true that a black stain is more noticeable than all the good things one does.

 Lately, I have been tired of all the façade that my life has been, of all the secrets... They used to bring me excitement and sadness all at once. Having a triple life and keep a straight face in the midst of adversity and tragedy and still be the giddy happy person that your family expect, the happy and efficient worker that is required out of you and the passionate caring lover and crazy person that's expected out of you... All achieved painfully... flawlessly.  A seemly happy life and a thousand faces to give, yet the wearer of such things remains hollow. An empty marionette that loves flawlessly according to its handler.

What does all of this really mean for the health of the individual that's is supposed to be me. Many times i just don't know what to feel, it seems that just when i find a good thing in my life society,  culture,  but more importantly family is what keeps me in this shackles of adversity.  I'm in quick sand, quickly sinking.  Is anyone out there who can truly and genuinely save me from drowning? 

Clearing The Fog... Revealing a Thick Wall Of Ice. Time To Face The Brittleness Of Reality.

In the last post I mentioned that I finally had bit more of an advantage in getting around the world.  Still getting there. Now most definitely I'm actually getting more and more comfortable being behind the wheel. At the beginning it was quite a daunting task which I had to multitasking and struggle to keep an eye on the road, traffic, and random pedestrians crossing in the middle of the road at night, and on the mirrors. I know it doesn't sound like much but it felt like a lot  when you drive in a city so close to NYC. In short, no one knows how to drive and you end up getting bitched for driving in the right direction at the right speed and not running over a red light or a person lol.

Well besides all the driving and road rage. New things with me seem to happen in a daily basis. The more and more humid the weather got the more and more I felt so frustrated with my hair. Just so you know my hair used to be down to my waist. The fact that my hair is wavy wasn't helping my case. So after four years I finally took the plunge and went to fifth avenue in NYC to get a haircut. For those of you who don't know is quite a bit of money to do it there but I wanted to get something good since I hadn't gotten a haircut in over four years. Well needless to say I paid about $50 US dollars on a short haircut for a man. Anyways first time in a couple of years that I actually feel that I can do more with my hair than to put it in a pony tail. Also my neck got sunburned since I had my long hair protecting it from the sun no longer lol. That was a lot of digressing but I felt that it needed to be said since it has been forever since I have posted something here.

The same day that I was in NYC getting my haircut I felt like a whole different person. Walking to the streets of Manhattan and seeing everything else was as if i was a whole new person seeing everything all over again, yet surprisingly felt as a native from this city. After walking and seeing the city, the people and all on my way back, it hit me.  This was the place that I feel my mindset is married to. Getting in the bus on my way home and seeing the Empire State Building and all its colors looking at me was like two enormous arms extending themselves to me and saying "you are loved here" ALL of yourself is welcomed here; and for the first time in my life, I actually felt saddened to leave the city, to face the fake facade that is my life outside of the big apple.

Existential feelings happen to breeze around my psyche very deeply. I wonder what is going to happen with my life. What big achievements are actually going to happen, and definitely what the future of my loneliness will or will not bring. What can I do, and how can I do this? And yet still maintain my own sanity and integrity and definitely my own individuality without living in the shadows anymore. Would I miss hiding in the darkness? Would everything then be plain and dull once the veil of darkness has disappeared and unravel the reality of things? Of one thing I am certain, I should not fear but step through the darkness and face things bravely and intelligently as they come. I know God and confidence in myself will give me the strength required to surpass the brittleness of reality.