The Second Coming . . . Out

So it has been about a week since I dragged my cousin to his first bar, and I have to say that it has turned wonderfully. I discovered he has a huge tolerance to alcohol, and that he can definitely hold his liquor. That night he was super talkative and outgoing. Something that is not like him at all. He went outside to smoke and plain out asked me, "are you gay?" my answer was a bit defensive and I asked him "why, are YOU gay?" He so nonchalant responded may be bi if anything. This though has brought us super close in the few days since this declaration. He learned that I myself am bi and that I had a girl that I loved. I learned that he came out to his family already and that they think that this whole thing is a phase.  Last night we were drinking at the same bar and we started talking in the car until 2:30 am. He told me things about his ex and I told him about mine. I told him my coming out story and how wonderfully bad it was. As I was telling him the story I could see him feel the emotions I felt when I came out. I saw him sobbing and actually crying. He reached over to hug me and for some weird reason, I had no emotion to that. HE was crying for me, he was sympathetic to my pain. . . he was empathetic to me. Someone actually cared enough to feel what I felt, to cry because I couldn't cry, to make me feel strong and loved. He was being my rock, my pillar. Non-judgmental,  but a genuine human being that felt for me, on top of that he was my family. Where was he when this whole thing was happening before. . . he was going thru the same thing as I was, yet we were both dealing with it in such a lonely way; destructive way. He seems happy now, I am happy to have met him. Even though our ages differ for about 10 years exactly, I look up to him. He is my model of life right now and he doesn't even know it. I am re-discovering myself, trying to grasp the last of my youth. Scratching to stay connected and relevant. I feel so disassociated, isolated.  I am happy for the things and people that have come into my life. I shouldn't feel this depressed.

What is fairness anyway?

It has been a couple of hectic months in my life,  busy  with work and most definitely with my life.  A lot of holidays and new years arrived.  The difference between my boyfriend's family an mine has showed itself and quite honestly it had made me think about my current situation with my life and the path it is taking.  Since my parents are always in church to receive the new year with the Lord.  I decided to pass the old year and welcome the new one with my new family (my boyfriend).  I  got to his house and all his family was there,  all his brothers and sisters. As the official count down to the end of the year was going on and the ball in times Square marked the beginning of  the new year and in my own way,  the explosions of the fireworks signified the catharsis that my life was about to take.  As the glasses filled with alcohol were raised to celebrate the new year and hugs were given; my boyfriend kissed me in front of all his family. 

This simple action as  kiss can be was such  a liberation and at the same time it was such an eye opening for me.  I had realized something very important.  This was no wrong at all,  in fact this was something accepted by everyone in there and it wasn't punished but all the contrary.  It was normal.

I realized that it was quite unfair for my boyfriend to be able to  do this for me but that I could not reciprocate.  This was the moment that I realized that I needed to  risk everything in order to be able to love him without hiding in my own house.  I NEEDED TO  COME OUT!

Why is it so hard to be me?

It sounds as if it's the rant of a needy teen that's always had everything.  The sad part is that at least in my eyes I keep thinking that is not quite like that.  The  truth is that I have been taking care of everyone in my house since I swap a small child and to be completely honest it seems like this has been my nature since then.  Take care of everyone and everything in order for the rest to be comfortable and happy even at the sacrifice of myself. Now as I keep on continuing this relationship I,  more than ever,  seem to actually be taking some time for myself and it feels so foreing and desperation... it feels wrong.  One of the things my boyfriend told me was  "you're to busy taking care of everybody,  but  who's taking care of you? " - - - at that moment I realized that he was completely right.  Who's taking care of me?  Even with all of this in here I feel ... Still...  Alone.  I'm walking alone in this path and quite frankly and unfortunately the only one I have to rely on to go on is me.

Hold my hand along the candle-lit path of freedom

It has been about 3 haircuts since last time I did the first "cut" to the umbilical cord that has tied me inside of a wall of ice.  My reasoning has always been to protect my family from the shame of having a son like me. It is true that a black stain is more noticeable than all the good things one does.

 Lately, I have been tired of all the façade that my life has been, of all the secrets... They used to bring me excitement and sadness all at once. Having a triple life and keep a straight face in the midst of adversity and tragedy and still be the giddy happy person that your family expect, the happy and efficient worker that is required out of you and the passionate caring lover and crazy person that's expected out of you... All achieved painfully... flawlessly.  A seemly happy life and a thousand faces to give, yet the wearer of such things remains hollow. An empty marionette that loves flawlessly according to its handler.

What does all of this really mean for the health of the individual that's is supposed to be me. Many times i just don't know what to feel, it seems that just when i find a good thing in my life society,  culture,  but more importantly family is what keeps me in this shackles of adversity.  I'm in quick sand, quickly sinking.  Is anyone out there who can truly and genuinely save me from drowning? 

Clearing The Fog... Revealing a Thick Wall Of Ice. Time To Face The Brittleness Of Reality.

In the last post I mentioned that I finally had bit more of an advantage in getting around the world.  Still getting there. Now most definitely I'm actually getting more and more comfortable being behind the wheel. At the beginning it was quite a daunting task which I had to multitasking and struggle to keep an eye on the road, traffic, and random pedestrians crossing in the middle of the road at night, and on the mirrors. I know it doesn't sound like much but it felt like a lot  when you drive in a city so close to NYC. In short, no one knows how to drive and you end up getting bitched for driving in the right direction at the right speed and not running over a red light or a person lol.

Well besides all the driving and road rage. New things with me seem to happen in a daily basis. The more and more humid the weather got the more and more I felt so frustrated with my hair. Just so you know my hair used to be down to my waist. The fact that my hair is wavy wasn't helping my case. So after four years I finally took the plunge and went to fifth avenue in NYC to get a haircut. For those of you who don't know is quite a bit of money to do it there but I wanted to get something good since I hadn't gotten a haircut in over four years. Well needless to say I paid about $50 US dollars on a short haircut for a man. Anyways first time in a couple of years that I actually feel that I can do more with my hair than to put it in a pony tail. Also my neck got sunburned since I had my long hair protecting it from the sun no longer lol. That was a lot of digressing but I felt that it needed to be said since it has been forever since I have posted something here.

The same day that I was in NYC getting my haircut I felt like a whole different person. Walking to the streets of Manhattan and seeing everything else was as if i was a whole new person seeing everything all over again, yet surprisingly felt as a native from this city. After walking and seeing the city, the people and all on my way back, it hit me.  This was the place that I feel my mindset is married to. Getting in the bus on my way home and seeing the Empire State Building and all its colors looking at me was like two enormous arms extending themselves to me and saying "you are loved here" ALL of yourself is welcomed here; and for the first time in my life, I actually felt saddened to leave the city, to face the fake facade that is my life outside of the big apple.

Existential feelings happen to breeze around my psyche very deeply. I wonder what is going to happen with my life. What big achievements are actually going to happen, and definitely what the future of my loneliness will or will not bring. What can I do, and how can I do this? And yet still maintain my own sanity and integrity and definitely my own individuality without living in the shadows anymore. Would I miss hiding in the darkness? Would everything then be plain and dull once the veil of darkness has disappeared and unravel the reality of things? Of one thing I am certain, I should not fear but step through the darkness and face things bravely and intelligently as they come. I know God and confidence in myself will give me the strength required to surpass the brittleness of reality.