Coming back to basics

 I know basically no one reads this but me, specially now that no-one is really using blogger for anything. I miss typing in here. Lately I've been using "day one" and the native apple journal app, but to be honest I still miss the community aspect of this format and even though no-one really reads it it helps me feel "listened to." I wish this would do a huge come back . . . we can all hope.

I've Been Doing This All Wrong

 The funny thing is that I've been journaling on and off for many many years. Actually decades now. I've been posting in this blog my own diary. I've transcribed some of my handwritten diary pages and some that for the convenience factor, just posted using this online tool.  Well now I have this new app called "Day One" and since now I'm in the "wall garden" of the apple ecosystem it actually integrates so well. My steps, my breathing, the weather, my sleep, and my diet as well as my location and everything is automatically recorded when I make a post. I can definitely go back and look at the reason why my knees were hurting, (due to weather or something I ate that day). There is just so much information that it can tell me just by doing my journal. Well if I do know myself is that I love the useless metrics I do get from my Apple Watch and before that, the Fitbit. This measurements give me a reasoning of my physical state of being. I almost got rid of that app because is not as pretty as this "blogger" thingy. I can't write around pictures and stylize it how I do here. But the metrics are so useful.

Well I came to the realization that Day One is literally a journaling app.  A sole app to put private thoughts on the most convenient time, using the Apple Watch, a phone, or the very laptop I'm using to type this. Well my emphasis here is the word "private" as in just for me, no-one else. I've been so used to write a "diary" in this blog posts series, and the fact that no-one reads them made me think that this is my private oasis.  Not to say there is an option to make post only available to me, which I have written one or two over the decades. The fact that all the metrics are present automatically is what makes that app so wonderful. So for now I will only use this medium to do what it was meant to be used for. . . For BLOGGING. Public. thoughts that I don't mind getting out there. 

There has been many a time in which I have thought about writing something kinda bad but I usually erase it out of my mind and then write about something else for the fear of one. Someone finding it in my handwritten journals, or two. Someone finds out about it in this very blog. Now I have an outlet for such very ideas that flutter thru my head. Any time they do appear in my head I can now just either, type them on my phone or laptop, or dictate it to my Apple Watch or even voice record or video them, the best part is that is all extra private. Only for me. I haven't had such outlet since forever, not even in my own head, since I tend to censor myself. 

Here we go now on this journey of new found freedom in a dungeon where I can toss the beast of myself without repercussions. Deep down I do wonder if this is really a secure place. Yet again there's never a 100% secure anything. There's the risk I have to be willing to take. 

Here Sitting at the bar.

Funny thing that goes thru my mind every time I sit at a bar. I keep picturing my grandfather sitting at a bar in the middle of nowhere in the Wild West. Little ideas like that is what makes me enjoy these little precious moment that only exist in the solitude of my head. 
 

A Very Different Christmas

 So there has been many life changing events going on lately.  My friend and my child have passed this physical world this year.  This I know deep inside me; is not the end. This is just the beginning of a whole new and eventful life. Another plane of existence yes, but not the end of anything at all.  My child has transcended to a new plane. He has gone like he always did; Ahead and forward to make sure that my path was secured and safe for me.  I will be reunited one day. 

When that day comes I feel now that I won’t fear death as much as I did when I had massive anxiety and depression.  

The one little soul I have to thank this year most of all is this little creature. Canela. She is so instinctual in my emotional “needless” that is almost telepathic.  Since the first day that my child was gone from my arms ,  she was there. Doing whatever she could (bringing her toys to the bed) so that I wouldn’t feel alone and with a void in my heart, to even now sitting besides me as I type this entry.

I should reciprocate this kindness and take her out to walk.  I’m not the owner, she is my daughter now and she takes care of me in the best way she can.  My child, my Capi left me in good hands. 

First time I have a Santa in the house . . . is super creepy. ( I could see this this suddenly running and trying to bite me *shudders*)

 

This is the Christmas season but more than ever I just don’t feel the alert of the holidays like I used to. I’m extra broke and tired af. 

This little gnome garden thing should feel magical but it just pisses me off.  The corny colors are so un-Christmasy more like a Bengali house decor. It looks dingy and ghetto. 

The one thing I could count to make me feel good is coffee. Specially in small containers. It brings some comfort and warmth that is hard to find nowadays. 

This is my holiday spirit in a cup!

(36F mostly cloudy)

Seems like now I have to be looking after my own sanity without trying to bring everyone along for the ride . It will save me so much heart ache and frustration. 

38F Drizzle

Little huge update

    I keep thinking in what is going to happen in the far future. My new life came in so quickly and with many challenges and tragedies.  I keep thinking in what is going on with my life. Here I am in a new apartment. My baby is no longer physically with me and I see myself more alone than ever. 

    I am actually so grateful that I am here not on my own. Now I find myself with a husband and although our lives are shared and we have common things. We differ so much in areas of compassion and awareness of others. He really is trying but is those times when I feel that I am rearing a bratty child that makes lots of temper tantrums. Moments like that is what makes me feel very very lonely. I miss my parents and my old life. . . until I realize that it was even more lonely. 

    The one thing that I really miss a lot, my child. He stuck with me thru thick and thin and I miss him so much. He visited me the other day in my dreams. . . he is ok. One day we will reunite again. In the meantime I miss hugging him.  Canela is another little soul that I really need to make sure she doesn't live a lonely life. I can do something to change that. I have to make sure she is ok. 

    Images of my child keep popping in my head every so often and my heart aches. 

The Usual Culprit . . . lone...li......nes .............s

 Is funny how things keep happening, but it seems like I keep hiding from the inevitable future. He's supposed to be moving out and my dumbass felt sentimental and didn't want him to go so there I fucking go and say "make sure you don't make the same mistake and move in too quickly." well now it's biting me in the ass. 

He has made himself comfortable again. . . 

I have to be honest with myself and learn to realize that I shouldn't be afraid to be alone. I'm afraid of loneliness. I most of all feel suicidal when not surrounded by people. Being alone seems to be my weakness. I need to turn that into a strength. . . somehow.

I like this computer

It has been a while since I have expressed myself in this medium. This new computer definitely makes it easier to do such thing. Whenever i get on this computer it is always ready and charged. I actually like this computer so much. It is very slim and not heavy at all. . . making portability and ease of use even better. 

Got me a new computer

So, for the longest I've been saying that I would like to be an apple person and it seemed that apple had got a  bad rep of making bad technology and selling it for an exorbitant amount of money that I have kept things with android phones. This new laptop with the M1 chip seems to be the best of the best you can get nowadays. I took the plunge and finally got me my first apple product, I can see the hype on the culture made behind this brand but so far I'm liking it. I got myself a new laptop from apple apple and so far it just works whenever I need it. The MacBook Pro is literally what I need it. when I need it it does exactly what I need it to do, it's on and it makes exactly what I  need it to do. It works! I just need to see the whole apple ecosystem and see how I can work with it. My phone is acting up so now I'm seeing the possibility of switching to iPhone and may be just looking into the apple ecosystem, hopefully is not working against me. 

Must learn the word NO

I hate that I have put myself in this situation. Literally my life is all running. There has been time for everything but definitely no time for myself. I have been trying to finish this post since August and now is January of 2020 and I'm finally writing this. I keep keeping busy and not really doing anything. . . trying to please everyone and not really making time for me. It's time I get to care more for myself and let all these people deal with their own shit and be more assertive and in a way a bitch to be able to say NO. There's that thing I need to learn to say and its a very firm NO.

So... NO!

I have to do this for myself and make sure that I don't get lost again for someone else. This time is all about ME.

Pump me up, just a little

You know the thing is that is quite funny.  .  . Life is funny in that way. There are many things that cannot be explain like that. You have to live them in order for them to make any sense, and even then they just don't.

I'm in a particular predicament and it all indicates to one thing that I should do. I'm afraid and too tired to do it. At this point he just doesn't seem to save face at all and bluntly abuses me. I am in an abusive relationship in every extent of the word. A victim by choice indeed.

All I know is that there is a God out there and I have to have faith and hope that something great is coming. I am not meant to be here. I am not meant for this. I am meant for greater things and for awesome achievements. This is just a bump on the road to success. I WILL get there and that is the story.

Sense of Touch = Sense of Emotion

The other day I was at work and all of the sudden the guy that I don't like, which apparently just happens to be a cousin of mine. Seems like all the people that don't like me, and subsequently, I don't like because of it, tend to be somehow related to me. This guy asked me about another coworker that used to work with me all the time. The way he asked me was what struck me.

Mind you, it is around five in the morning and is only him, another person and me in a whole building. When he asked me about that kid, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked me "have you heard about Harry" (let's call him Harry). I could feel his concern about that kid thru his hand and subsequently to me. I felt like in that split of a second, that very moment he cared about me. Like I care about my close cousin. I felt loved, acknowledged and appreciated.

This is when it all hit me. I've been longing for a little bit of love and appreciation coming from family. I always loved to see my family. Since I was very little I wanted to see cousins and uncles and aunts. They all lived so far that it was impossible to ever meet. I knew of some thru my parents and rarely did I ever saw any. My Godfather's kids became my "cousins." That's what we called each other. We were cousins because of necessity of the longing feeling to feel like there was an extended family from mutual parts, them and us. I became intrigued with the idea of finding my whole family tree, an amazing feat if you knew how many we are.

Who would have thought that all this "family" would have come to bite me in the ass. All these people kinda hate me. They tend to be threatened by me so they tend to put me down so much, I honestly started to hate them. My own close cousin that says all the time "I love you" is the one that has hurt me the most. The lack of empathy in this family in reality seems so appalling.

Again, the concern my cousin had for this kid made me realize the lack of love from my family really exist in my life. . . I'm tired, no, exhausted and annoyed that I am this entity that lives off of hope for empathy and sympathy thru the slightest touch.

It Takes Less Effort to Love Than To Hate

Not sure if things are getting better or I'm getting better at numbing the pain. The jealousy, the hurt, the hate, the misguided love and definitely the mismanaged time seems like a blur. I'm the one in the driver seat of a motorcycle in a snowstorm. . . I have frozen up but keep on driving against the wind. I must continue and address one thing at the time.

I keep thinking that karma is going to get all of those that have hurt me but to be honest it doesn't really work in that way. Those people also have a lot of love for me; in their own fucked up way they do care and "love" me, or at least know that I exist. Is not all black and white, all is gray and some shades darker than others making this a difficult way to hate anyone. The only thing left over to do is to love, love, and LOVE more than I ever could.

I made the Cut

Finally went thru with it. I went so far as to fly to Atlanta, something that I would never have done otherwise. I rented a hotel for two nights and went to the surgeon to get cut. Arriving there was alright, I wasn't even thinking on the surgery I distracted myself with everything else in Atlanta. I went to the World of Coca Cola, tried Tacomac and went back to the hotel. Took lots of pictures before the surgery that I was about to go thru. . .


Then the day finally came. I was so nervous and a bit scared. I finally go there to the waiting room, they were already for me. They knew my name and everything was all set up in the operating room in the back all set for me. While I was waiting for my name to be called I was a ball of nerves. People from Reddit that knew I was getting this operation done knew what was going thru my mind and they were so lovely and helpful. It felt strange getting help from random strangers. A friend came with me and I'm extremely thankful for that, having someone physical there supporting you every step of the way is definitely better. The online people seemed to me to be something like it I felt like they were right there with me. They are going to go thru the same thing in a few months I want to be there for them as well.

During the consultation I spoke to the surgeon and he was willing to hear me out, see pictures and didn't judge me at all. After I thought I relayed my message in the most eloquent way I could, I was sent to the operating room. I was all prepped and sterilized with betadine solution and then the assistant was just there waiting for the surgeon to come in. I was dreading the initial injection; I've heard is the most painful part of the whole operation. I asked the assistant, who seemed to be about my age, he told me that it does hurt but that it goes out fairly quickly. The whole thing was weird because there I am laying in an operating table with a light shinning at my half naked body and having a total normal conversation with a guy I just met.
The doctor finally came in and inspected my penis. He was handling it and asking me question about the placement of the scar and everything to make sure I got the best cosmetic result. I could not feel the whole handling of the doctor but my penis did react to it even though I didn't feel a thing. So there is a doctor handling my half boner and asking me questions while I was just there trying to ignore the fact that I was getting a boner that I could not feel. The usual operation time is about 40 minutes but it took two to one and a half hours for me to finally finish. He had to take a couple of stitches out because they didn't look right and in his words, he "was too picky and want[ed] this to be completely perfect" it came down to the frenulum and he in a way convinced me to cut it. In a very non bias way he in his own experience and based on my own anatomy said that it could go with or without the frenulum but that it would definitely look better without it because it was going to be a really smooth transition between my inner and outer foreskin so the frenulum absent will heal beautifully. He said there might not even be a scar at all given the fact that I have "good skin." In his opinion my skin was "good" because there was no scarring and there was a very define anatomy, he could see the veins and arteries before he cut them so he could move them where he needed them and he could cauterize any bleeding before it started. He said that I didn't bleed at all, any of the blood that was there was the blood that was already in the skin as he was cutting so it made this operation a fairly easy to do. It only took long because he had to take off a couple sutures and had to re-stitch them to make sure everything was just perfect. Also for some reason, and I've experienced this before when I had my wisdom teeth removed about 3 weeks before, I'm immune to the anesthetic. As he was trying to cauterize the frenulum my leg jumped and hit the tool tray at the operating table. This was caused because I completely felt the electrocautery-tool as it burned. It was a really sharp electric pain but it quickly went away. The surgeon was very surprised at this so he added more anesthetic but again I could feel it. It took five tries for him to finally anesthetize the region; he said that there was probably a nerve running from the glans to the frenulum so he finally found it and anesthetized it. He then proceeded to cut the tension point in the frenulum. He asked for my opinion on the look of it, which I was stupidly pointing at it without my hands being sterile. He quickly told me to be careful and not touch anything but he did what I wanted exactly.
After everything was all done I was wrapped in a really tight bandage that I'm supposed to keep for about 10 days and make sure I keep it dry with some dry un-lubricated condoms that he provided. The surgeon left the room and the assistant handed me some baby wipes to help me clean up all the betadine out of my legs balls and pelvis. He told me that I could dress now and before I left I asked him if it was ok to take a picture. He non-shallantly said "whatever makes you happy man, some people take it with them" I laughed and told him "I highly doubt this is TSA approved." I then went to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics they gave me and the percoset I was prescribed. To be completely honest I didn't need the pain killers. The pain was from 1-10 it was a 1 to sometimes a 2, a bit uncomfortable but not at all super painful. We decided to go to the Atlanta Aquarium afterwards and we took advantage of the fact that I had the doctor's paper to get a wheel chair. My friend rolled me around the aquarium and we got priority to everything because of the handicap signs. While in the aquarium I could see other guys and for once in my life, after many many years I was not concerned on whether or not they were uncut or cut. That has been the whole reason why I went to get this surgery. This surgery was such an obsession that it didn't allow me to continue with my life without me spending time looking, researching, wondering about each guys circumcision status and dreading mine. I needed this surgery for my own mental stability. Now I'm here at home recuperating and I have to go back to work but to be honest it seems that I am "cured" I can now focus on other things and aspects of my life. It still weird to say "I am circumcised" but I can finally say yes I am so what? I'm quite happy this is becoming a thing of the past now and I can focus more energy into other more fulfilling things in my life. This doesn't run my life . . . anymore.

Superfluous

It's amazing the amount of bullshit that a human mind and body can actually endure. I keep thinking on the things that are going thru my life. Apparently I'm a rebound, from a past relationship. This makes so much sense now. The violence, the apathy, the lack of interest and love. I was just in the way of someone's love. I was just a step for them to get up and move on with life. In the process, this foot stepped on me and pushed me into the mud.

Cousin I know you are trying such "aesthetic" and making it seem as if you actually care. Seems like you wanted to walk with me not to make me feel better but to show that you can care about someone. I felt the cold, not from the weather but from the hurried feet that I had to keep up with. The lack of sympathy when you talked to your friends thru your headset, the good bye hug and the hurried hushed mumbling of dis-genuine "you're like a brother" sentence that seemed forced due to my conversation with you. 

I'm depressed yea that is true, it seems like I am depressed because of the people and the lack of sympathy I have been getting from those that I thought I was the closest. I am nothing but an afterthought. Nothing but a rebound. Nothing but a second choice because the best has deserted them. . . 

What to do now is what I wonder. I feel like getting lost and disappearing from everyone's life just to get back at them. Unfortunately I believe that my disappearance will not even be noticed. Everyone is busiest with their own life, to care for mine; unless it brings them something. I'm glad I don't have a car right now, people cannot depend on me for anything and have to show their true colours. I'm nothing but a ride to some. 

Such superfluity.

The things I do for you are the things I wouldn't do for anyone. I loved you enough to fuck things up so badly that in a way I became the thing i swore never to become. You were mean and manipulating and abusive but in the end it is how I handled all things. I tried to do things correctly with you and to be honest I did. You on the other hand just fucked up again and again, I never held you accountable and you took advantage of that. You became one of the many that really don't know me and accuse me of the things that you hate the most. Yourself. You just don't want me to be happy because that way I am your slave that you can control whenever you like. I am here waiting for I don't know what, I just want to feel safe and loved in my own place. In a place where love is exuded from everywhere and myself is not the sacrificial pawn or the sacrificial twig in the fire (a faggot). I need a new approach to my own life and give myself my own worth. You insult me and put me down and haze me and punch me and abuse me in order to put yourself higher from everything and everyone. I have been your stepping stool for you to be able to move up in the world. I hope that you take a full advantage of all that. I certainly hope that my being your sacrifice helps you be a better person not that bitter thing that you are. You hate me and you love me within a span of 2 or 3 minutes. this bipolarity in your interactions with me are destroying me.

 The more I keep thinking about this the more and more I keep getting depressed. I'm becoming an introvert that is looking for answers in a song. Music has found its way back into my life. Jealousy  is taking place in my life I'm jealous for how everyone can find comfort in music and they find it so easy; where as me it seems like a chore and is not easy to find the right song, band or anything that can help me with what I'm going thru. I'm rambling about depression and I keep seeing everyone moving on without me. I'm going down and down a whole of darkness and misunderstanding. Everything I have is falling apart and the only thing I can do is keep on swimming, not to drown in adversity.  Yet again---- I must focus on myself--- not just talk about it but actually do it! I must do my own things for myself and make sure that I am able to move on. Let's not get hurt again. Build that husk to protect you one more time and let's be numb for a little bit. Let's crank that 4 wheel drive and go up that hill. . . I hope the summit is not lonely like down here.

Isn't it a human thing to hate to be hated? Perhaps is human to hate.

       So I have been a bit calculating about the relationships I have with people and my regular interactions with my coworkers. In retrospective most of them have been quite nice to me. A bit more friend than coworker. Ironically in that self reflection I have come to realize the fact that the people that judge me the most and have the worst things to say about me, is my own family. My uncle working there is the one that is so awkward to me and thru my cousin I have found out that he doesn't like me. I'm fine with it but ironically deep deep inside me this is eating me. It is always an asshole who tends to judge you by your sexuality but has no idea of who you really are. On his birthday I hugged him and said happy birthday. That was the coldest most awkward hug I have given a statue. My uncle. This guy didn't even say thank you he just walked away. My ex is completely right I keep looking for acknowledgment from people that don't deserve to be acknowledged themselves. It eats at me not having this in my life. Acceptance has been always such a hard thing for  me to get. It has always been hate and misunderstanding. Rarely I get someone who wants to and is capable of understanding me. Seems to me that only my dog is the one that truly doesn't judge me and love me unconditionally. The opinions of my uncle can be shoved up his fucking straight homophobic asshole, where they belong. This is my space to rant so fuck you uncle, fuck you cousin for using sexuality to fit in with your insecurities and fuck all the people that used me to get something and threw me in a ditch when I was not of use to them. All of you can go suck a dick and I hope you find each other with the person you were with me.  I hope you feel what I felt and that you can reflect in  your irrational spread of hatred.  I hope guilt eats at you for all the things that you have done to people like me.
     Persecution ends here and it ends now. If you hate me I hope that such hate isolates you from intelligible rational human beings that have a sense of compassion and "humanity."

PS. Fuck you all!

Quick food for thought.

So I keep saying that I'm going to stop paying attention to him and I also keep saying that I'm going to ignore him. Well . . . That's not really happening and in fact it's becoming worse. Now it has come to the point that he won't even acknowledge my presence unless he needs something from me. I keep trying to deny him but I'm very bad at this. I tend to just give in because it is easier for me to do that and ruin my day in order to make his better, than to just deny him. It makes me feel anxious if I say no to him. Seems like I have left something unfinished and it eats me from the inside to the point that I can't let it go.

I need to come up with a solution to all this so I can have my own time. . . my own life. He obviously does.

Random Rant of Frustration

I feel as  if nothing really has changed. It seems as if the only thing that changed is that we are doing the same thing except that we are very aware of it all. The jealousy thing is still very present and the mooching is definitely very very present. I'm so physically drained and tired. This makes me so . . . TIRED. I thought work was the one responsible of me being so drained of all energy, I realize now that it's all because I'm still dealing with this whole thing. Even as I type this I'm nodding off  into overthinking my situation with this 'relationship.' I'm going to bed. . .

Truth is . . . I'm  going to bed to overthink things and then feel frustrated by his happiness on his games, in more than one way.