Limbo

Limbo is the best way to describe what is going on currently in my life. Everything seems to be just "happening" without anything really happening. Relationships are beautiful if it is reciprocated; otherwise they just suck big time. I feel that this kid has a good heart and good intentions but to be completely honest I believe he might be bipolar and definitely needs to go on medication to be able to control that temper of his. I have been dealing with a lot of mood swings and definitely a lot of bullshit. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, is constant abuse and the funny thing is that I get blamed for everything. . . by him. At this point in my life I'm really wondering about the amount of bullshit I am willing to continue to endure for this kid. . . I feel a bit dead inside, as if nothing really keeps on happening and I'm just going with the motions.Listening to The Path by Zoe Keating.

Double the Commitment -Reprised

So reading back on the last post I made is definitely interesting and a reminder of the reason why I'm writing this blog to begin with. Looking in retrospective I can see "progress" or regress of my mental stability. So I got my second job at TGI Friday's and from the very beginning this place was hectic, full of fake people and definitely full of  pretentious bosses and co-workers. I hated that place. Every time I had to go to work my stomach fell to the ground.  I realized how much of a family my first job really was to me.  The extra time I spent working was almost inhuman. I had to work at my first job at 7am and get out at 4pm just to start my other job at 5pm to 3 or 4 am. On top of that I had to go get that ingrate of my ex from his house so he could come to my house. He really didn't cared how tired I was. The only thing he cared was where he was going to sleep, eat and stay. Never once did he asked me if I was tired, or just have the damn decency to just stay at his place and not bitch at me every time he saw me.

This commitment was supposed to keep my mind off things; allow me to continue living and forget about the heart broken boy that I am.  Unfortunately the only thing that this did was to establish that "care" my ex has for me.  I doubled the commitment and in turn I doubled the rejection. I could not take it anymore so I finally put my two weeks in. Quitting such a horrible place was the liberation I needed. I literally told everyone I worked with, that I hated it that place. It was causing more mental instability than the one it was meant to fix.

Now I only have one job. The money is not as good as I was making before, but it is a place I love. My boss, my coworkers and the schedule . . . definitely the schedule. As for the relationship thing; I'm not sure where I stand in that issue. At this point I'm just going with the flow.

Double The Commitment = Independence? Moving On?

Things are definitely having an interesting hue. Everything has turned so complicated. the relationship I was in is over. Who am I kidding? Even though he broke up with me the day after my birthday the relationship continues in a new fucked-up way.  I'm the one dealing with his bullshit all over again with the given benefit of being called nothing but the "EX" . On the bright side
I'm actually much more relaxed,  I'm not worried about who he is cheating on me with,  or if he is lying to me.  It really doesn't matter that much anymore. The issue that I now have is the fact that he likes the fact that I am dependable and always there when he needs me; so he is jealous of me and that  doesn't allow me to move on.  I still come home and stare at the curtains in my room's window hoping that I see light,  meaning that he is home for me.  Unfortunately the truth is that he is here because of him.  His mental stability,  his financial security,  his own laziness and his own selfish ways.  There is no honest concern about  me... The one who provides.  I'm just  Santa bringing all these things.  At this point I hope that my second job keeps me so busy that I would be so absent from everything that everyone would have to finally stop waiting for me to do everything for them...  I can only hope. 

Why?

What am I doing here? Being kicked around, ignored, and mishandled.  What have I done again?

These are the questions that I keep getting no answer in the whole time that my relationship has been going on. Unfortunately the actual answer seems to just be right in front of me all this time. I should be strong and see the reality of this relationship

Signs from God

So when the darkest hour happens I'm never alone. . .

There I am, again the solitude creeps in my bones like the cold does so efficiently.  The only one physically there with me is my ever-loyal dog. Always there for me, never-quivering-loyalty. All the plotting of betrayal clouds my mind like a volcano waiting to erupt. I walk the streets in the middle of the night just talking to myself seeing what is it that I can do? Do I even want to do something about it...Can I even do something about it?

So you are going to betray me tomorrow and the only thing I can do is hope that you don't. I look up to the sky and the first thing that I see is a bright light falling. A star has fallen from the sky, no, a ray of hope has appeared before me.  Definitely hope that there is the possibility of still love lingering within. as I stay there thinking about this the direction in which this star fell there is a rolled piece of paper. Two bills $20 dollars each. Forty dollars? From the sky? This is definitely no coincidence. God is speaking to me. Money won't be the problem, but more importantly the hope that the betrayal will not occur is been sown.

I get home and stay in the porch, sitting there listening to the old music I used to listen, when I was happy. Reminiscing on my old happiness rather than my loneliness. My best friend at my side protecting me from everything, we both sit in the cold. My dog and I; hoping for a better tomorrow.

The Lark Ascending.

The Struggle Goes On

    Just when you think that everything is fine and you can look forward in life. . . Shit happens.
It has been a long year with definitely life changing events and the only thing that really keeps me going is "I don't know." Such is the realization of the cruel reality that I see that in many many ways is easier to comprehend a science fiction novel. It amazes me the amount of turmoil a human being can withstand as well as the amount of cruelty another one can inflict. Sure no one's life is particularly easy, and I shouldn't be bragging but you know what? This is my fucking diary so yea this is my own "private" way of complaining to help myself feel a little bit more human, a little bit more "normal" and definitely in order to keep an open heart and not drown into bitterness. In a way, a cathartic way of releasing poison that is injected to me on the daily.  Who in their right minds actually loves to get rejected by everything and everyone first thing in the morning to the end of the night. I many times feel, experience and am exactly that. When you feel that PUSH, it used to make my blood boil, now it just makes my heart cry and break a little more each time. All in all I'm beginning to become so broken I'm beginning to take any shape, no wall not anything just pieces so small I become grains of sand in the soon to be broken hourglass.

What is fairness anyway?

It has been a couple of hectic months in my life,  busy  with work and most definitely with my life.  A lot of holidays and new years arrived.  The difference between my boyfriend's family an mine has showed itself and quite honestly it had made me think about my current situation with my life and the path it is taking.  Since my parents are always in church to receive the new year with the Lord.  I decided to pass the old year and welcome the new one with my new family (my boyfriend).  I  got to his house and all his family was there,  all his brothers and sisters. As the official count down to the end of the year was going on and the ball in times Square marked the beginning of  the new year and in my own way,  the explosions of the fireworks signified the catharsis that my life was about to take.  As the glasses filled with alcohol were raised to celebrate the new year and hugs were given; my boyfriend kissed me in front of all his family. 

This simple action as  kiss can be was such  a liberation and at the same time it was such an eye opening for me.  I had realized something very important.  This was no wrong at all,  in fact this was something accepted by everyone in there and it wasn't punished but all the contrary.  It was normal.

I realized that it was quite unfair for my boyfriend to be able to  do this for me but that I could not reciprocate.  This was the moment that I realized that I needed to  risk everything in order to be able to love him without hiding in my own house.  I NEEDED TO  COME OUT!