Why is it so hard to be me?

It sounds as if it's the rant of a needy teen that's always had everything.  The sad part is that at least in my eyes I keep thinking that is not quite like that.  The  truth is that I have been taking care of everyone in my house since I swap a small child and to be completely honest it seems like this has been my nature since then.  Take care of everyone and everything in order for the rest to be comfortable and happy even at the sacrifice of myself. Now as I keep on continuing this relationship I,  more than ever,  seem to actually be taking some time for myself and it feels so foreing and desperation... it feels wrong.  One of the things my boyfriend told me was  "you're to busy taking care of everybody,  but  who's taking care of you? " - - - at that moment I realized that he was completely right.  Who's taking care of me?  Even with all of this in here I feel ... Still...  Alone.  I'm walking alone in this path and quite frankly and unfortunately the only one I have to rely on to go on is me.

Follow the road, said the voice.

I can't believe that i have taken such step.  Officially on December fifth I am no longer single.  The whole story is actually quite random yet romantic  in my eyes  but that would be another post.  Perhaps one of those sentimental-valentine's-type kinda post. The whole purpose of this post actually has a lot to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend. 

Coming out had crossed my mind many times during my life,  definitely the most difficult  part was coming out to myself. The most challenging part of that was to be able to define who I really was.  I never saw a distinction in the gender of the person that I loved.  It always was about the person behind the husk of flesh and bone inside it.  People around me though always seemed to put a label on that.  I at one point in my life  I was obsessed in trying to find the label that could appeal to me but  the difficult part was that none of them actually fit.  I was not quite,   sure why but deep inside it I felt that it would help me stop wondering and actually stay living and standing for something in my life.  

When I was  19 I finally figured it all out.  Pansexuality seemed so fitting.  Is not about the gender but the person.  At that moment I really did not cared about  my mom or dad knew about me or not.  Religion and the way they view the world would not have been of any help anyway. 

 Finally though now at my boyfriend's house I see how welcomed i am.  How normal all this seems to them.  This new year's eve he actually kisses me in front of his mom and siblings and they where so normal about it... It hit me,  I wanted the same for him.  I don't want to hide him or the love I have for him.  If that's going to cost me everything I have then so be it.  It would all be worth it since my life and everything I have would make no sense if it's not with him.  It is not fair for me to do this to him,  to have him in the shadows for my own cowardice.  

We went to a small bistro by my old house  and and we talked and that's when he was talking to me about his coming out stories with his siblings and mom.  Then he listened to me about how hard it has been for me and he said.  "you're going to get thru this... We're going to get thru this "