Bipolarity, Sweet and Bitter should just be kept extrictly to food

Every time I go with you is mainly a sea of sorrow followed by a few moments of bliss. You don't care about my opinions or my fears, you only care about you being comfortable. What do you care if I have to pay everything including the roof in which you live in. What do you care about the troubles of adulthood. You are just a kid, a kid that has tons of mood swings and the knowledge that you know that you are loved and that this person (me) can and will do anything you want to you is the only weapon you wield to cause harm.  Why do I even put myself in this situation. "let's go to the movies" says stupid me, rational me is "Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself, he's just going to demean your existence and make you feel worthless" . . . and I simply do it because in my stupid fantasy of a world I have faith that he will care and hold me, and listen to everything I have to say. That he will be interested in what I have to say, think and do. He worries about all the things I have to pay and he offers help so I won't be so stressed. He knows I'm tired, specially because of my job, and he knows that I need to rest. He's understanding, empathetic and helpful.  Reality is that he is selfish, ignorant, arrogant, condescending, impatient, and he hates being with me, listening to me and in short everything that has to do with me. Yet he is perfectly okay living at my expense. I'm tired of you being such an asshole and in a minute or two trying to be friendly and loving to me. YOU'RE A DOUCHE BAG!

How dare you look at pictures of others and then say "he's so hot" and then turn to me and sweet talk "are we going to get dinner after the movie" Fucking shameless asshole. Karma is really going to get you and I definitely need to stop being so permissive with stupid people that are not worth my time. You are just using me for your own benefit. I'm killing myself for you and you don't even flinch at the sight of me. Curse that I am still in love with you. Curse that I fucking do this for you, I hope you realize what you are doing to people, because the universe is funny that way. For every action you take, there's an equal and opposite reaction. . . The amount of that potential energy of negativity you surround yourself in will come back to haunt you. I won't have anything to do with it.

Tiredness, Old Age, or Plain Old STRESS!!!

Lately I have been super tired, not just your regular tired but like the exhausted type of tired.  Literally I wake up tired and remained like that until late at night. I knock out at about midnight and then the cycle continues. To be fair I have been working doubles lately, which means that I have been working since 8 AM until about 10-11 PM that's about 14 hours a day everyday. The issue is that lately even on my days off I'm just exhausted. Coffee has been my best friend though I have to be honest, its not quite working anymore. I recently purchased a multivitamin in the hopes that it might just be a vitamin deficiency. It's not a matter of lack of sleep anymore, is that there's just not enough hours in the day for me to remain asleep, and even when I wake up, my body is just physically drained. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Libido is taking its toll, I don't want to do anything like that anymore, though mentally I can. . . my body just wants to sleep.

Thinking about this I feel like all the time I'm always busy, and then I realize that I'm super busy inside my head. I'm always splitting my time between my family, my friends, and others. . . but I'm trying to do it all by accommodating them in to their schedule. I'm dragging everyone to success but at the cost of my own sanity. I always envied my brother and now at my ex on how they can block the rest of the world and they submerge themselves in their own world of either, video games, drawing, playing an instrument or whatever. I, on the other hand can't finish my own work because I drop everything to accommodate them so THEY can have a better quality of life.

I have started to take the bull by the horns and I actually stopped giving rides to people on Tuesdays. I need to stop on Sundays and possibly on Thursdays as well. I'm stretching myself too thin. Is a double work. ----- My dad tends to do that, and he's always so exhausted he just sleeps when he gets home--- I guess I had to get it from someone, but I need to stop the vicious cycle. This way of life is causing me to have a serious attack of stress and I'm so busy that I don't even know it, until now.

Today I didn't answered any phone calls or messages, besides helping my cousin out this morning, I didn't answer to anyone else. I put my cellphone in do not disturbed so only my brother could contact me in case of emergency. I haven't really accessed social media (not trying to keep up anymore with anyone's life until I keep up with mine) and I finally I'm using my laptop that I wanted for the longest. I cut my hair and took my dog out.

Never realized how I pull everyone in my life forward, but squash myself in the process.  The progress of this already started as I typed this rant.  .  . This is the reason why I have this blog.

This has been Firechild signing out.⽕⽕⽕

Is It Jealousy? ... You just became an asshole.

I'm barely here but when I'm here is for a reason, to bitch about my life.

Lately I have been questioning the "alliances" I have with my so called friends. . . are they just acquaintances? Are they using me? Are they just in it for their own purposes? In particular a friend which I esteemed a lot seems to lately been stealing my "dreams" I know I might be talking out of jealousy of the things I can't really do. He told me that he wants to go to the place I always wanted to go. My dream destination. The issue of this is that he was so insensitive at telling me all this. Him knowingly that I can't possibly get there and he can . . . I know this sounds too petty but quite honestly is equivalent to that kid that you tell him how awesome your favorite rock band is and how their songs speak to you so deep; and this kid goes and buys every shirt and paraphernalia from this band and calls you to let you know how "HE" is going to their concert whilst he doesn't know a thing about them. Makes you hurt that such "posy" behavior and I don't know if jealousy might quite be the feeling for this thing, but insensitivity is definitely it. A true friend would be look I got all these things and I know how much you like this band "LET'S GO TO THIS CONCERT TOGETHER." I am surrounded by selfish people. I know I'm not perfect but something I am more than anything is empathetic. I wouldn't flaunt it to anyone's face the things I can do when I know they are bound by chains.

In retrospective this is nothing to be bitching about but the fact that this happens practically everyday by people that love me [?] is so aggravating. I know I'm bitching about stupid stuff and things that wouldn't matter but when is the basis for "friendship,"  it really makes you thing if this is actually a friendship. Are you contacting me for me? Or is it because you like the places I take you and can get you in or is it because I can get you things, get you there. What if I can't, will you still see me as a "friend"? will you still think I'm worth the while. I'm I just useful to you that way and once I'm not am I going to end up in the dump where you throw everyone else?

I'm a ride, a bottle, a ticket, a pass, and ID but not a person... to you.

I need to stop letting people do this to me.