Oh, What a Cluttered Mess That I AM

Today my day was just full of many many distractions and little things that just made me want to punch anyone in the face. From my car to my job to everything in between. I have been having many issues with my car. starting with the fact that I can't use it when it rains because it would stall on me. I had an armrest that was flimsy and that was partially broken so it took me about a year to finally get another one and then to actually install it was an ordeal in itself. I had to move the seat that won't budge. Everything is put together with zippy ties in this car. Get special tools to move somethings in the freaking heat, but finally I install it into place and here comes my fucking coworker and leans on this shit that was supposed to be able to be leaned on. IT'S A FREAKING ARM REST!"

----Anyway, the thing breaks and he tried to play it cool by not mentioning it but I saw it all happen in front of him.  He never apologized and it kinda tried to ignore it as if nothing happened. This damn thing is tearing a hole inside me. The damn flimsy shit is just there broken and doing NOT what is supposed to be doing. I'm dreading the fact that I have to fix it again.

----The other thing is that I came home and I'm trying to be on my laptop trying to not think about that and distract me from the world and the damn coffee table is too small to do any kind of work. So I end up bringing a  desk from the attic and everything gets out of order in the living room. The desk won't go with the decor, everything looks messy. So here I am moving things around, rearranging things and plugging and unplugging things to make sure that everything is in order and that it flows with the design; it is just not doing it.

I feel that everything here that I'm trying to do is rearrange and move things to make things work. . . I feel that this is more to do with the things going on in my life than anything else. Perhaps I'm trying to rearrange and move things so that other things in my life click into place, so that order and balance can be restored in my mind and in my heart. As I am typing this at two thirty in the morning, I am surrounded by clutter that makes me feel uneasy. The same clutter that distracts me in my mind and in my life from the real issues that I so hard try not to face.

............................................My coworker is still and asshole!

A painful peaceful night

I stare at that stool you kicked looking for comfort in cold sheets.

Once again I'm here... Here on the floor kicked and abused once more.  Just when I'm close to open the doors to my heart---there it goes again.  That abuse all over again.  I see you kick a chair to me,  throw a book at my head,  threaten me to break the porcelain doll I like,  smack a beer bottle so that it gets all over for me to clean.  But I'm the one "gas lighting"  you.  You're not a good person.  You are a selfish little brat that loves to manipulate your environment to your advantage to the cost  of others.  There's no honor in you.  There never was.  I put up with you because I feel trapped.  I don't know what to do,  where to go.  I'm alone.  My parents don't want to hear this,  my siblings won't know about this.  And  I - - - I just stay here and take it.  Though I should no longer.  I should kick you out of my life like you did to me.  Convenience is such an awesome thing when they're totally in love with you.  Sadly for me you're totally in love with yourself.  You don't know how to love. Only how to love yourself and sometimes I even whine about that.  Thus the need for approval from strangers.  Unjustified anger and frustration, that is you.