Isn't it a human thing to hate to be hated? Perhaps is human to hate.

       So I have been a bit calculating about the relationships I have with people and my regular interactions with my coworkers. In retrospective most of them have been quite nice to me. A bit more friend than coworker. Ironically in that self reflection I have come to realize the fact that the people that judge me the most and have the worst things to say about me, is my own family. My uncle working there is the one that is so awkward to me and thru my cousin I have found out that he doesn't like me. I'm fine with it but ironically deep deep inside me this is eating me. It is always an asshole who tends to judge you by your sexuality but has no idea of who you really are. On his birthday I hugged him and said happy birthday. That was the coldest most awkward hug I have given a statue. My uncle. This guy didn't even say thank you he just walked away. My ex is completely right I keep looking for acknowledgment from people that don't deserve to be acknowledged themselves. It eats at me not having this in my life. Acceptance has been always such a hard thing for  me to get. It has always been hate and misunderstanding. Rarely I get someone who wants to and is capable of understanding me. Seems to me that only my dog is the one that truly doesn't judge me and love me unconditionally. The opinions of my uncle can be shoved up his fucking straight homophobic asshole, where they belong. This is my space to rant so fuck you uncle, fuck you cousin for using sexuality to fit in with your insecurities and fuck all the people that used me to get something and threw me in a ditch when I was not of use to them. All of you can go suck a dick and I hope you find each other with the person you were with me.  I hope you feel what I felt and that you can reflect in  your irrational spread of hatred.  I hope guilt eats at you for all the things that you have done to people like me.
     Persecution ends here and it ends now. If you hate me I hope that such hate isolates you from intelligible rational human beings that have a sense of compassion and "humanity."

PS. Fuck you all!

Quick food for thought.

So I keep saying that I'm going to stop paying attention to him and I also keep saying that I'm going to ignore him. Well . . . That's not really happening and in fact it's becoming worse. Now it has come to the point that he won't even acknowledge my presence unless he needs something from me. I keep trying to deny him but I'm very bad at this. I tend to just give in because it is easier for me to do that and ruin my day in order to make his better, than to just deny him. It makes me feel anxious if I say no to him. Seems like I have left something unfinished and it eats me from the inside to the point that I can't let it go.

I need to come up with a solution to all this so I can have my own time. . . my own life. He obviously does.

Random Rant of Frustration

I feel as  if nothing really has changed. It seems as if the only thing that changed is that we are doing the same thing except that we are very aware of it all. The jealousy thing is still very present and the mooching is definitely very very present. I'm so physically drained and tired. This makes me so . . . TIRED. I thought work was the one responsible of me being so drained of all energy, I realize now that it's all because I'm still dealing with this whole thing. Even as I type this I'm nodding off  into overthinking my situation with this 'relationship.' I'm going to bed. . .

Truth is . . . I'm  going to bed to overthink things and then feel frustrated by his happiness on his games, in more than one way.

FwB = Freedom?

So lots of things have happened. . . as always ^_^! but to summarize almost a year of the lack of blogging. I think that I am doing better. I have come to the conclusion and awareness that I am nothing that much to this guy and that I need to start moving on seriously this time. We have had come to an agreement that we won't hide anything from each other and that we would be open to a new kind of arrangement. FWB seems to fit the label, as such a stigma as this holds I believe that this might be for the best. I hate having to hide and him lie about nothing, specially when there is no need for it. Hopefully this doesn't blow up in our faces but to be honest at least for now I'm beginning to feel a bit more "free." It's a start.

When life throws you down, let me kick you in the teeth.

This is becoming very cumbersome, the fact that there's a lot of things going on and I am expected to take care of all the things. Real shit has hit the fan and it all seems like I'm struggling to keep my head out of water. I got stopped by the cops and got issued a ticked that I cannot afford, the rent went up, my bills are piling up and to make everything worse I'm being charged a fee that I really don't need. The registration of my cars is here, I have to pay for a lot of things and I cannot see a sign of relief. To make matters worse I'm stuck here with the issues my brother is making for me. My other brother is leaving and I'm to move upstairs, my ex is not making things easier. Putting pressure on me mentally and physically. 100 year old grandma will be here with us for a few days and it seems as if she's become more needy than anything. Very difficult trying to co-exist here. Sometimes I feel as if I just want to drop everything and leave. Get a fresh start.

I'm not really sure where the future is going to take me, as of now I'm just trying to get out of this fucking hole. I don't even have a child and I feel like the weight of the world is on me. The irresponsibility of the people around me is getting to me. To be completely honest sometimes I just want to die. I've taken responsibility for everyone is this house and now is becoming a thing at the job where I spend about 70 hours of my week. People are attained there too. I'm starting to feel that what I need to do is let people fend on their own. They're killing me.

The Second Coming . . . Out

So it has been about a week since I dragged my cousin to his first bar, and I have to say that it has turned wonderfully. I discovered he has a huge tolerance to alcohol, and that he can definitely hold his liquor. That night he was super talkative and outgoing. Something that is not like him at all. He went outside to smoke and plain out asked me, "are you gay?" my answer was a bit defensive and I asked him "why, are YOU gay?" He so nonchalant responded may be bi if anything. This though has brought us super close in the few days since this declaration. He learned that I myself am bi and that I had a girl that I loved. I learned that he came out to his family already and that they think that this whole thing is a phase.  Last night we were drinking at the same bar and we started talking in the car until 2:30 am. He told me things about his ex and I told him about mine. I told him my coming out story and how wonderfully bad it was. As I was telling him the story I could see him feel the emotions I felt when I came out. I saw him sobbing and actually crying. He reached over to hug me and for some weird reason, I had no emotion to that. HE was crying for me, he was sympathetic to my pain. . . he was empathetic to me. Someone actually cared enough to feel what I felt, to cry because I couldn't cry, to make me feel strong and loved. He was being my rock, my pillar. Non-judgmental,  but a genuine human being that felt for me, on top of that he was my family. Where was he when this whole thing was happening before. . . he was going thru the same thing as I was, yet we were both dealing with it in such a lonely way; destructive way. He seems happy now, I am happy to have met him. Even though our ages differ for about 10 years exactly, I look up to him. He is my model of life right now and he doesn't even know it. I am re-discovering myself, trying to grasp the last of my youth. Scratching to stay connected and relevant. I feel so disassociated, isolated.  I am happy for the things and people that have come into my life. I shouldn't feel this depressed.