What is fairness anyway?

It has been a couple of hectic months in my life,  busy  with work and most definitely with my life.  A lot of holidays and new years arrived.  The difference between my boyfriend's family an mine has showed itself and quite honestly it had made me think about my current situation with my life and the path it is taking.  Since my parents are always in church to receive the new year with the Lord.  I decided to pass the old year and welcome the new one with my new family (my boyfriend).  I  got to his house and all his family was there,  all his brothers and sisters. As the official count down to the end of the year was going on and the ball in times Square marked the beginning of  the new year and in my own way,  the explosions of the fireworks signified the catharsis that my life was about to take.  As the glasses filled with alcohol were raised to celebrate the new year and hugs were given; my boyfriend kissed me in front of all his family. 

This simple action as  kiss can be was such  a liberation and at the same time it was such an eye opening for me.  I had realized something very important.  This was no wrong at all,  in fact this was something accepted by everyone in there and it wasn't punished but all the contrary.  It was normal.

I realized that it was quite unfair for my boyfriend to be able to  do this for me but that I could not reciprocate.  This was the moment that I realized that I needed to  risk everything in order to be able to love him without hiding in my own house.  I NEEDED TO  COME OUT!

Hold my hand along the candle-lit path of freedom

It has been about 3 haircuts since last time I did the first "cut" to the umbilical cord that has tied me inside of a wall of ice.  My reasoning has always been to protect my family from the shame of having a son like me. It is true that a black stain is more noticeable than all the good things one does.

 Lately, I have been tired of all the façade that my life has been, of all the secrets... They used to bring me excitement and sadness all at once. Having a triple life and keep a straight face in the midst of adversity and tragedy and still be the giddy happy person that your family expect, the happy and efficient worker that is required out of you and the passionate caring lover and crazy person that's expected out of you... All achieved painfully... flawlessly.  A seemly happy life and a thousand faces to give, yet the wearer of such things remains hollow. An empty marionette that loves flawlessly according to its handler.

What does all of this really mean for the health of the individual that's is supposed to be me. Many times i just don't know what to feel, it seems that just when i find a good thing in my life society,  culture,  but more importantly family is what keeps me in this shackles of adversity.  I'm in quick sand, quickly sinking.  Is anyone out there who can truly and genuinely save me from drowning?