Oh, What a Cluttered Mess That I AM

Today my day was just full of many many distractions and little things that just made me want to punch anyone in the face. From my car to my job to everything in between. I have been having many issues with my car. starting with the fact that I can't use it when it rains because it would stall on me. I had an armrest that was flimsy and that was partially broken so it took me about a year to finally get another one and then to actually install it was an ordeal in itself. I had to move the seat that won't budge. Everything is put together with zippy ties in this car. Get special tools to move somethings in the freaking heat, but finally I install it into place and here comes my fucking coworker and leans on this shit that was supposed to be able to be leaned on. IT'S A FREAKING ARM REST!"

----Anyway, the thing breaks and he tried to play it cool by not mentioning it but I saw it all happen in front of him.  He never apologized and it kinda tried to ignore it as if nothing happened. This damn thing is tearing a hole inside me. The damn flimsy shit is just there broken and doing NOT what is supposed to be doing. I'm dreading the fact that I have to fix it again.

----The other thing is that I came home and I'm trying to be on my laptop trying to not think about that and distract me from the world and the damn coffee table is too small to do any kind of work. So I end up bringing a  desk from the attic and everything gets out of order in the living room. The desk won't go with the decor, everything looks messy. So here I am moving things around, rearranging things and plugging and unplugging things to make sure that everything is in order and that it flows with the design; it is just not doing it.

I feel that everything here that I'm trying to do is rearrange and move things to make things work. . . I feel that this is more to do with the things going on in my life than anything else. Perhaps I'm trying to rearrange and move things so that other things in my life click into place, so that order and balance can be restored in my mind and in my heart. As I am typing this at two thirty in the morning, I am surrounded by clutter that makes me feel uneasy. The same clutter that distracts me in my mind and in my life from the real issues that I so hard try not to face.

............................................My coworker is still and asshole!

A painful peaceful night

I stare at that stool you kicked looking for comfort in cold sheets.

Once again I'm here... Here on the floor kicked and abused once more.  Just when I'm close to open the doors to my heart---there it goes again.  That abuse all over again.  I see you kick a chair to me,  throw a book at my head,  threaten me to break the porcelain doll I like,  smack a beer bottle so that it gets all over for me to clean.  But I'm the one "gas lighting"  you.  You're not a good person.  You are a selfish little brat that loves to manipulate your environment to your advantage to the cost  of others.  There's no honor in you.  There never was.  I put up with you because I feel trapped.  I don't know what to do,  where to go.  I'm alone.  My parents don't want to hear this,  my siblings won't know about this.  And  I - - - I just stay here and take it.  Though I should no longer.  I should kick you out of my life like you did to me.  Convenience is such an awesome thing when they're totally in love with you.  Sadly for me you're totally in love with yourself.  You don't know how to love. Only how to love yourself and sometimes I even whine about that.  Thus the need for approval from strangers.  Unjustified anger and frustration, that is you.

Kicks with Love

I remember the first time you shoved me. The first time you kicked me out of your bosom. Forcefully and coldly as if I'm not anyone you cared about or "loved" (perhaps is because you never did). It was like a cold knife going thru my heart and chilling the blood in my veins. I felt the chill of dejection caused by your own acts of rejection. I was no one, I had no value to you I was a THING that bothered you that was better to kick away (literally).   Almost three years from that and now your kicks stab at a numb and callous heart. The physical pain is not what I cared, it was the emotion, the hurt, the betrayal, that I cared. Now, this wounded heart is nothing but a numb entity that can follow his day as if nothing had happen. Your kisses which you claim is love is nothing but a ticking bomb waiting for your next mood swing that will leave me paralyzed. Your violence and negligence makes me want to vomit in discord. Not even hate, but this ------------------------- NOTHING as if I'm a zombie created by the darker side of love. This is me right now. I don't know what are you anymore, yet . . . this was always YOU!

Mental Quake

Confrontations with you
 always make me bleed

Who am I kidding. . . I AM JEALOUS !!!  You can make up whatever story you want to try to get out of the house, but you are as clear to read as this very post.  I know what you do, I know who you do, and worst of all. . . I know of the guilt you feel when you see me after your sin. I am sickened of myself for playing in your charade. Unfortunately
for my mental health I DO still LOVE you.

----- but I don't TRUST you----

New paths new form to traveling

I'm about to embark in a whole new way of looking at myself in the mirror.  I have recently taken matters into my own hands; cutting my own hair, etc. Trying to do things that I  would pay someone else and their expertise to do for me now under my own supervision and in my own hands.  With this I am embarking in a whole new supplement regiment. I'm trying these new pills, I'm not one to condone using supplements like this and I know the dangers of using drugs for anything. I'm taking a leap of faith and hopefully this supplement helps with my skin and complexion. I'm trying to stay objective as far as the results but if things go as planned I won't have an allergic reaction to this and my complexion will be much fairer and definitely will help with the allergy I have towards Capi. I'm a bit weary of it given the fact that these pills need to be ordered from Japan but hopefully it helps and work as they should. Unfortunately they are not cheap.  Something to keep in mind. I'll try them for a month and see if anything is happening i.e. allergic reactions, side effects etc. If they do what they claim to do I might just have to order another expensive batch of them for the next month. Wish me tons of luck. Listening to  Yoko Kanno "Voices"

Limbo

Limbo is the best way to describe what is going on currently in my life. Everything seems to be just "happening" without anything really happening. Relationships are beautiful if it is reciprocated; otherwise they just suck big time. I feel that this kid has a good heart and good intentions but to be completely honest I believe he might be bipolar and definitely needs to go on medication to be able to control that temper of his. I have been dealing with a lot of mood swings and definitely a lot of bullshit. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, is constant abuse and the funny thing is that I get blamed for everything. . . by him. At this point in my life I'm really wondering about the amount of bullshit I am willing to continue to endure for this kid. . . I feel a bit dead inside, as if nothing really keeps on happening and I'm just going with the motions.Listening to The Path by Zoe Keating.

Double the Commitment -Reprised

So reading back on the last post I made is definitely interesting and a reminder of the reason why I'm writing this blog to begin with. Looking in retrospective I can see "progress" or regress of my mental stability. So I got my second job at TGI Friday's and from the very beginning this place was hectic, full of fake people and definitely full of  pretentious bosses and co-workers. I hated that place. Every time I had to go to work my stomach fell to the ground.  I realized how much of a family my first job really was to me.  The extra time I spent working was almost inhuman. I had to work at my first job at 7am and get out at 4pm just to start my other job at 5pm to 3 or 4 am. On top of that I had to go get that ingrate of my ex from his house so he could come to my house. He really didn't cared how tired I was. The only thing he cared was where he was going to sleep, eat and stay. Never once did he asked me if I was tired, or just have the damn decency to just stay at his place and not bitch at me every time he saw me.

This commitment was supposed to keep my mind off things; allow me to continue living and forget about the heart broken boy that I am.  Unfortunately the only thing that this did was to establish that "care" my ex has for me.  I doubled the commitment and in turn I doubled the rejection. I could not take it anymore so I finally put my two weeks in. Quitting such a horrible place was the liberation I needed. I literally told everyone I worked with, that I hated it that place. It was causing more mental instability than the one it was meant to fix.

Now I only have one job. The money is not as good as I was making before, but it is a place I love. My boss, my coworkers and the schedule . . . definitely the schedule. As for the relationship thing; I'm not sure where I stand in that issue. At this point I'm just going with the flow.