I like this computer

It has been a while since I have expressed myself in this medium. This new computer definitely makes it easier to do such thing. Whenever i get on this computer it is always ready and charged. I actually like this computer so much. It is very slim and not heavy at all. . . making portability and ease of use even better. 

Got me a new computer

So, for the longest I've been saying that I would like to be an apple person and it seemed that apple had got a  bad rep of making bad technology and selling it for an exorbitant amount of money that I have kept things with android phones. This new laptop with the M1 chip seems to be the best of the best you can get nowadays. I took the plunge and finally got me my first apple product, I can see the hype on the culture made behind this brand but so far I'm liking it. I got myself a new laptop from apple apple and so far it just works whenever I need it. The MacBook Pro is literally what I need it. when I need it it does exactly what I need it to do, it's on and it makes exactly what I  need it to do. It works! I just need to see the whole apple ecosystem and see how I can work with it. My phone is acting up so now I'm seeing the possibility of switching to iPhone and may be just looking into the apple ecosystem, hopefully is not working against me. 

Must learn the word NO

I hate that I have put myself in this situation. Literally my life is all running. There has been time for everything but definitely no time for myself. I have been trying to finish this post since August and now is January of 2020 and I'm finally writing this. I keep keeping busy and not really doing anything. . . trying to please everyone and not really making time for me. It's time I get to care more for myself and let all these people deal with their own shit and be more assertive and in a way a bitch to be able to say NO. There's that thing I need to learn to say and its a very firm NO.

So... NO!

I have to do this for myself and make sure that I don't get lost again for someone else. This time is all about ME.

Pump me up, just a little

You know the thing is that is quite funny.  .  . Life is funny in that way. There are many things that cannot be explain like that. You have to live them in order for them to make any sense, and even then they just don't.

I'm in a particular predicament and it all indicates to one thing that I should do. I'm afraid and too tired to do it. At this point he just doesn't seem to save face at all and bluntly abuses me. I am in an abusive relationship in every extent of the word. A victim by choice indeed.

All I know is that there is a God out there and I have to have faith and hope that something great is coming. I am not meant to be here. I am not meant for this. I am meant for greater things and for awesome achievements. This is just a bump on the road to success. I WILL get there and that is the story.

Sense of Touch = Sense of Emotion

The other day I was at work and all of the sudden the guy that I don't like, which apparently just happens to be a cousin of mine. Seems like all the people that don't like me, and subsequently, I don't like because of it, tend to be somehow related to me. This guy asked me about another coworker that used to work with me all the time. The way he asked me was what struck me.

Mind you, it is around five in the morning and is only him, another person and me in a whole building. When he asked me about that kid, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked me "have you heard about Harry" (let's call him Harry). I could feel his concern about that kid thru his hand and subsequently to me. I felt like in that split of a second, that very moment he cared about me. Like I care about my close cousin. I felt loved, acknowledged and appreciated.

This is when it all hit me. I've been longing for a little bit of love and appreciation coming from family. I always loved to see my family. Since I was very little I wanted to see cousins and uncles and aunts. They all lived so far that it was impossible to ever meet. I knew of some thru my parents and rarely did I ever saw any. My Godfather's kids became my "cousins." That's what we called each other. We were cousins because of necessity of the longing feeling to feel like there was an extended family from mutual parts, them and us. I became intrigued with the idea of finding my whole family tree, an amazing feat if you knew how many we are.

Who would have thought that all this "family" would have come to bite me in the ass. All these people kinda hate me. They tend to be threatened by me so they tend to put me down so much, I honestly started to hate them. My own close cousin that says all the time "I love you" is the one that has hurt me the most. The lack of empathy in this family in reality seems so appalling.

Again, the concern my cousin had for this kid made me realize the lack of love from my family really exist in my life. . . I'm tired, no, exhausted and annoyed that I am this entity that lives off of hope for empathy and sympathy thru the slightest touch.

It Takes Less Effort to Love Than To Hate

Not sure if things are getting better or I'm getting better at numbing the pain. The jealousy, the hurt, the hate, the misguided love and definitely the mismanaged time seems like a blur. I'm the one in the driver seat of a motorcycle in a snowstorm. . . I have frozen up but keep on driving against the wind. I must continue and address one thing at the time.

I keep thinking that karma is going to get all of those that have hurt me but to be honest it doesn't really work in that way. Those people also have a lot of love for me; in their own fucked up way they do care and "love" me, or at least know that I exist. Is not all black and white, all is gray and some shades darker than others making this a difficult way to hate anyone. The only thing left over to do is to love, love, and LOVE more than I ever could.

I made the Cut

Finally went thru with it. I went so far as to fly to Atlanta, something that I would never have done otherwise. I rented a hotel for two nights and went to the surgeon to get cut. Arriving there was alright, I wasn't even thinking on the surgery I distracted myself with everything else in Atlanta. I went to the World of Coca Cola, tried Tacomac and went back to the hotel. Took lots of pictures before the surgery that I was about to go thru. . .


Then the day finally came. I was so nervous and a bit scared. I finally go there to the waiting room, they were already for me. They knew my name and everything was all set up in the operating room in the back all set for me. While I was waiting for my name to be called I was a ball of nerves. People from Reddit that knew I was getting this operation done knew what was going thru my mind and they were so lovely and helpful. It felt strange getting help from random strangers. A friend came with me and I'm extremely thankful for that, having someone physical there supporting you every step of the way is definitely better. The online people seemed to me to be something like it I felt like they were right there with me. They are going to go thru the same thing in a few months I want to be there for them as well.

During the consultation I spoke to the surgeon and he was willing to hear me out, see pictures and didn't judge me at all. After I thought I relayed my message in the most eloquent way I could, I was sent to the operating room. I was all prepped and sterilized with betadine solution and then the assistant was just there waiting for the surgeon to come in. I was dreading the initial injection; I've heard is the most painful part of the whole operation. I asked the assistant, who seemed to be about my age, he told me that it does hurt but that it goes out fairly quickly. The whole thing was weird because there I am laying in an operating table with a light shinning at my half naked body and having a total normal conversation with a guy I just met.
The doctor finally came in and inspected my penis. He was handling it and asking me question about the placement of the scar and everything to make sure I got the best cosmetic result. I could not feel the whole handling of the doctor but my penis did react to it even though I didn't feel a thing. So there is a doctor handling my half boner and asking me questions while I was just there trying to ignore the fact that I was getting a boner that I could not feel. The usual operation time is about 40 minutes but it took two to one and a half hours for me to finally finish. He had to take a couple of stitches out because they didn't look right and in his words, he "was too picky and want[ed] this to be completely perfect" it came down to the frenulum and he in a way convinced me to cut it. In a very non bias way he in his own experience and based on my own anatomy said that it could go with or without the frenulum but that it would definitely look better without it because it was going to be a really smooth transition between my inner and outer foreskin so the frenulum absent will heal beautifully. He said there might not even be a scar at all given the fact that I have "good skin." In his opinion my skin was "good" because there was no scarring and there was a very define anatomy, he could see the veins and arteries before he cut them so he could move them where he needed them and he could cauterize any bleeding before it started. He said that I didn't bleed at all, any of the blood that was there was the blood that was already in the skin as he was cutting so it made this operation a fairly easy to do. It only took long because he had to take off a couple sutures and had to re-stitch them to make sure everything was just perfect. Also for some reason, and I've experienced this before when I had my wisdom teeth removed about 3 weeks before, I'm immune to the anesthetic. As he was trying to cauterize the frenulum my leg jumped and hit the tool tray at the operating table. This was caused because I completely felt the electrocautery-tool as it burned. It was a really sharp electric pain but it quickly went away. The surgeon was very surprised at this so he added more anesthetic but again I could feel it. It took five tries for him to finally anesthetize the region; he said that there was probably a nerve running from the glans to the frenulum so he finally found it and anesthetized it. He then proceeded to cut the tension point in the frenulum. He asked for my opinion on the look of it, which I was stupidly pointing at it without my hands being sterile. He quickly told me to be careful and not touch anything but he did what I wanted exactly.
After everything was all done I was wrapped in a really tight bandage that I'm supposed to keep for about 10 days and make sure I keep it dry with some dry un-lubricated condoms that he provided. The surgeon left the room and the assistant handed me some baby wipes to help me clean up all the betadine out of my legs balls and pelvis. He told me that I could dress now and before I left I asked him if it was ok to take a picture. He non-shallantly said "whatever makes you happy man, some people take it with them" I laughed and told him "I highly doubt this is TSA approved." I then went to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics they gave me and the percoset I was prescribed. To be completely honest I didn't need the pain killers. The pain was from 1-10 it was a 1 to sometimes a 2, a bit uncomfortable but not at all super painful. We decided to go to the Atlanta Aquarium afterwards and we took advantage of the fact that I had the doctor's paper to get a wheel chair. My friend rolled me around the aquarium and we got priority to everything because of the handicap signs. While in the aquarium I could see other guys and for once in my life, after many many years I was not concerned on whether or not they were uncut or cut. That has been the whole reason why I went to get this surgery. This surgery was such an obsession that it didn't allow me to continue with my life without me spending time looking, researching, wondering about each guys circumcision status and dreading mine. I needed this surgery for my own mental stability. Now I'm here at home recuperating and I have to go back to work but to be honest it seems that I am "cured" I can now focus on other things and aspects of my life. It still weird to say "I am circumcised" but I can finally say yes I am so what? I'm quite happy this is becoming a thing of the past now and I can focus more energy into other more fulfilling things in my life. This doesn't run my life . . . anymore.