The Usual Culprit . . . lone...li......nes .............s

 Is funny how things keep happening, but it seems like I keep hiding from the inevitable future. He's supposed to be moving out and my dumbass felt sentimental and didn't want him to go so there I fucking go and say "make sure you don't make the same mistake and move in too quickly." well now it's biting me in the ass. 

He has made himself comfortable again. . . 

I have to be honest with myself and learn to realize that I shouldn't be afraid to be alone. I'm afraid of loneliness. I most of all feel suicidal when not surrounded by people. Being alone seems to be my weakness. I need to turn that into a strength. . . somehow.

I like this computer

It has been a while since I have expressed myself in this medium. This new computer definitely makes it easier to do such thing. Whenever i get on this computer it is always ready and charged. I actually like this computer so much. It is very slim and not heavy at all. . . making portability and ease of use even better. 

Got me a new computer

So, for the longest I've been saying that I would like to be an apple person and it seemed that apple had got a  bad rep of making bad technology and selling it for an exorbitant amount of money that I have kept things with android phones. This new laptop with the M1 chip seems to be the best of the best you can get nowadays. I took the plunge and finally got me my first apple product, I can see the hype on the culture made behind this brand but so far I'm liking it. I got myself a new laptop from apple apple and so far it just works whenever I need it. The MacBook Pro is literally what I need it. when I need it it does exactly what I need it to do, it's on and it makes exactly what I  need it to do. It works! I just need to see the whole apple ecosystem and see how I can work with it. My phone is acting up so now I'm seeing the possibility of switching to iPhone and may be just looking into the apple ecosystem, hopefully is not working against me. 

Must learn the word NO

I hate that I have put myself in this situation. Literally my life is all running. There has been time for everything but definitely no time for myself. I have been trying to finish this post since August and now is January of 2020 and I'm finally writing this. I keep keeping busy and not really doing anything. . . trying to please everyone and not really making time for me. It's time I get to care more for myself and let all these people deal with their own shit and be more assertive and in a way a bitch to be able to say NO. There's that thing I need to learn to say and its a very firm NO.

So... NO!

I have to do this for myself and make sure that I don't get lost again for someone else. This time is all about ME.

Pump me up, just a little

You know the thing is that is quite funny.  .  . Life is funny in that way. There are many things that cannot be explain like that. You have to live them in order for them to make any sense, and even then they just don't.

I'm in a particular predicament and it all indicates to one thing that I should do. I'm afraid and too tired to do it. At this point he just doesn't seem to save face at all and bluntly abuses me. I am in an abusive relationship in every extent of the word. A victim by choice indeed.

All I know is that there is a God out there and I have to have faith and hope that something great is coming. I am not meant to be here. I am not meant for this. I am meant for greater things and for awesome achievements. This is just a bump on the road to success. I WILL get there and that is the story.

Sense of Touch = Sense of Emotion

The other day I was at work and all of the sudden the guy that I don't like, which apparently just happens to be a cousin of mine. Seems like all the people that don't like me, and subsequently, I don't like because of it, tend to be somehow related to me. This guy asked me about another coworker that used to work with me all the time. The way he asked me was what struck me.

Mind you, it is around five in the morning and is only him, another person and me in a whole building. When he asked me about that kid, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked me "have you heard about Harry" (let's call him Harry). I could feel his concern about that kid thru his hand and subsequently to me. I felt like in that split of a second, that very moment he cared about me. Like I care about my close cousin. I felt loved, acknowledged and appreciated.

This is when it all hit me. I've been longing for a little bit of love and appreciation coming from family. I always loved to see my family. Since I was very little I wanted to see cousins and uncles and aunts. They all lived so far that it was impossible to ever meet. I knew of some thru my parents and rarely did I ever saw any. My Godfather's kids became my "cousins." That's what we called each other. We were cousins because of necessity of the longing feeling to feel like there was an extended family from mutual parts, them and us. I became intrigued with the idea of finding my whole family tree, an amazing feat if you knew how many we are.

Who would have thought that all this "family" would have come to bite me in the ass. All these people kinda hate me. They tend to be threatened by me so they tend to put me down so much, I honestly started to hate them. My own close cousin that says all the time "I love you" is the one that has hurt me the most. The lack of empathy in this family in reality seems so appalling.

Again, the concern my cousin had for this kid made me realize the lack of love from my family really exist in my life. . . I'm tired, no, exhausted and annoyed that I am this entity that lives off of hope for empathy and sympathy thru the slightest touch.

It Takes Less Effort to Love Than To Hate

Not sure if things are getting better or I'm getting better at numbing the pain. The jealousy, the hurt, the hate, the misguided love and definitely the mismanaged time seems like a blur. I'm the one in the driver seat of a motorcycle in a snowstorm. . . I have frozen up but keep on driving against the wind. I must continue and address one thing at the time.

I keep thinking that karma is going to get all of those that have hurt me but to be honest it doesn't really work in that way. Those people also have a lot of love for me; in their own fucked up way they do care and "love" me, or at least know that I exist. Is not all black and white, all is gray and some shades darker than others making this a difficult way to hate anyone. The only thing left over to do is to love, love, and LOVE more than I ever could.