The things I do for you are the things I wouldn't do for anyone. I loved you enough to fuck things up so badly that in a way I became the thing i swore never to become. You were mean and manipulating and abusive but in the end it is how I handled all things. I tried to do things correctly with you and to be honest I did. You on the other hand just fucked up again and again, I never held you accountable and you took advantage of that. You became one of the many that really don't know me and accuse me of the things that you hate the most. Yourself. You just don't want me to be happy because that way I am your slave that you can control whenever you like. I am here waiting for I don't know what, I just want to feel safe and loved in my own place. In a place where love is exuded from everywhere and myself is not the sacrificial pawn or the sacrificial twig in the fire (a faggot). I need a new approach to my own life and give myself my own worth. You insult me and put me down and haze me and punch me and abuse me in order to put yourself higher from everything and everyone. I have been your stepping stool for you to be able to move up in the world. I hope that you take a full advantage of all that. I certainly hope that my being your sacrifice helps you be a better person not that bitter thing that you are. You hate me and you love me within a span of 2 or 3 minutes. this bipolarity in your interactions with me are destroying me.

 The more I keep thinking about this the more and more I keep getting depressed. I'm becoming an introvert that is looking for answers in a song. Music has found its way back into my life. Jealousy  is taking place in my life I'm jealous for how everyone can find comfort in music and they find it so easy; where as me it seems like a chore and is not easy to find the right song, band or anything that can help me with what I'm going thru. I'm rambling about depression and I keep seeing everyone moving on without me. I'm going down and down a whole of darkness and misunderstanding. Everything I have is falling apart and the only thing I can do is keep on swimming, not to drown in adversity.  Yet again---- I must focus on myself--- not just talk about it but actually do it! I must do my own things for myself and make sure that I am able to move on. Let's not get hurt again. Build that husk to protect you one more time and let's be numb for a little bit. Let's crank that 4 wheel drive and go up that hill. . . I hope the summit is not lonely like down here.