Follow the road, said the voice.

I can't believe that i have taken such step.  Officially on December fifth I am no longer single.  The whole story is actually quite random yet romantic  in my eyes  but that would be another post.  Perhaps one of those sentimental-valentine's-type kinda post. The whole purpose of this post actually has a lot to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend. 

Coming out had crossed my mind many times during my life,  definitely the most difficult  part was coming out to myself. The most challenging part of that was to be able to define who I really was.  I never saw a distinction in the gender of the person that I loved.  It always was about the person behind the husk of flesh and bone inside it.  People around me though always seemed to put a label on that.  I at one point in my life  I was obsessed in trying to find the label that could appeal to me but  the difficult part was that none of them actually fit.  I was not quite,   sure why but deep inside it I felt that it would help me stop wondering and actually stay living and standing for something in my life.  

When I was  19 I finally figured it all out.  Pansexuality seemed so fitting.  Is not about the gender but the person.  At that moment I really did not cared about  my mom or dad knew about me or not.  Religion and the way they view the world would not have been of any help anyway. 

 Finally though now at my boyfriend's house I see how welcomed i am.  How normal all this seems to them.  This new year's eve he actually kisses me in front of his mom and siblings and they where so normal about it... It hit me,  I wanted the same for him.  I don't want to hide him or the love I have for him.  If that's going to cost me everything I have then so be it.  It would all be worth it since my life and everything I have would make no sense if it's not with him.  It is not fair for me to do this to him,  to have him in the shadows for my own cowardice.  

We went to a small bistro by my old house  and and we talked and that's when he was talking to me about his coming out stories with his siblings and mom.  Then he listened to me about how hard it has been for me and he said.  "you're going to get thru this... We're going to get thru this "

Hold my hand along the candle-lit path of freedom

It has been about 3 haircuts since last time I did the first "cut" to the umbilical cord that has tied me inside of a wall of ice.  My reasoning has always been to protect my family from the shame of having a son like me. It is true that a black stain is more noticeable than all the good things one does.

 Lately, I have been tired of all the façade that my life has been, of all the secrets... They used to bring me excitement and sadness all at once. Having a triple life and keep a straight face in the midst of adversity and tragedy and still be the giddy happy person that your family expect, the happy and efficient worker that is required out of you and the passionate caring lover and crazy person that's expected out of you... All achieved painfully... flawlessly.  A seemly happy life and a thousand faces to give, yet the wearer of such things remains hollow. An empty marionette that loves flawlessly according to its handler.

What does all of this really mean for the health of the individual that's is supposed to be me. Many times i just don't know what to feel, it seems that just when i find a good thing in my life society,  culture,  but more importantly family is what keeps me in this shackles of adversity.  I'm in quick sand, quickly sinking.  Is anyone out there who can truly and genuinely save me from drowning? 

Clearing The Fog... Revealing a Thick Wall Of Ice. Time To Face The Brittleness Of Reality.

In the last post I mentioned that I finally had bit more of an advantage in getting around the world.  Still getting there. Now most definitely I'm actually getting more and more comfortable being behind the wheel. At the beginning it was quite a daunting task which I had to multitasking and struggle to keep an eye on the road, traffic, and random pedestrians crossing in the middle of the road at night, and on the mirrors. I know it doesn't sound like much but it felt like a lot  when you drive in a city so close to NYC. In short, no one knows how to drive and you end up getting bitched for driving in the right direction at the right speed and not running over a red light or a person lol.

Well besides all the driving and road rage. New things with me seem to happen in a daily basis. The more and more humid the weather got the more and more I felt so frustrated with my hair. Just so you know my hair used to be down to my waist. The fact that my hair is wavy wasn't helping my case. So after four years I finally took the plunge and went to fifth avenue in NYC to get a haircut. For those of you who don't know is quite a bit of money to do it there but I wanted to get something good since I hadn't gotten a haircut in over four years. Well needless to say I paid about $50 US dollars on a short haircut for a man. Anyways first time in a couple of years that I actually feel that I can do more with my hair than to put it in a pony tail. Also my neck got sunburned since I had my long hair protecting it from the sun no longer lol. That was a lot of digressing but I felt that it needed to be said since it has been forever since I have posted something here.

The same day that I was in NYC getting my haircut I felt like a whole different person. Walking to the streets of Manhattan and seeing everything else was as if i was a whole new person seeing everything all over again, yet surprisingly felt as a native from this city. After walking and seeing the city, the people and all on my way back, it hit me.  This was the place that I feel my mindset is married to. Getting in the bus on my way home and seeing the Empire State Building and all its colors looking at me was like two enormous arms extending themselves to me and saying "you are loved here" ALL of yourself is welcomed here; and for the first time in my life, I actually felt saddened to leave the city, to face the fake facade that is my life outside of the big apple.

Existential feelings happen to breeze around my psyche very deeply. I wonder what is going to happen with my life. What big achievements are actually going to happen, and definitely what the future of my loneliness will or will not bring. What can I do, and how can I do this? And yet still maintain my own sanity and integrity and definitely my own individuality without living in the shadows anymore. Would I miss hiding in the darkness? Would everything then be plain and dull once the veil of darkness has disappeared and unravel the reality of things? Of one thing I am certain, I should not fear but step through the darkness and face things bravely and intelligently as they come. I know God and confidence in myself will give me the strength required to surpass the brittleness of reality.

And We Open The New Chapter

So it has been a while since last I was here but I finally got my way back after promising myself that I wouldn't until everything was in order.  Well so far it has been a bit more than a year since all this legal lingo had changed my life.

Finally, it feels that for the first time in my life I feel that I have the right to be on this earth. No longer do I feel like a ghost or a shadow in hiding. But as a human being. 

This new change had brought other changes as well, a new place where to live. Yes, I have moved from the place I practically spent half my life to a whole different town. Where the people are different. Different social class, different ideologies, and definitely a different world.  In one sentence, it all can be summed up to a simple "I hate this place!"
I'm coping with it though, even Capi seems to be saddened by this place. On a brighter note though, finally for the first time the acquisition of my drivinng permit seems to be bringing home more liberty and responsibilities than were possible before.

The new place tends to brings a very convinient method of transportation to he city which due to financial reasons I have not been able to completely use. Though the proximity to the city has sparked new trips that have allowed me to find myself amongst the cloud of confusion. Allowing myself to be more me.

The next step would be to find my own financial independence so that for once and for all I get to be able to be more my age since so far I have been more like a 9 year old boy than anything. Hopefully soon this all would be a happy thing and once again I can regained what I had once lost. Financial, mental, and overall stability and independence.
No more excuses, no more permission but lots and lots of responsibilities and new attitudes in a kinder or rather non persecuting world. . . At last!

This has been Firechild just talking to himself on the net signing off.

Period and Continue Writing

So summer is not officially here though it has poked his face once or twice around here. All the summer heat and the smell of summer air makes me feel uneasy, like if I had to do something important but forgot to do it. There's no much that I could do to take this feeling away so its very frustrating.
Just a bit of an update here, since my last post I had been in constant contact with my best friend who moved from my house to her family's house. My thought was that since her sister hates me she would have something to do with the weird way my own friend would, or rather, would not be in contact with me.
To make a long story short and simple, if you call your best friend or text them you would expect at least an answer at some point or another right? When they do manage to speak to you wouldn't you expect a how have you been? I'm sorry I was busy but... Well obviously that never happened it was only when she would finally decide to talk that it was to say ”hi, I'm busy right now watching TV talk to you tomorrow” which obviously never happened when it finally happened was so she could ramble about diets and argue with me for nothing and everything under the sun. This sadden me mainly because this wasn't the person I knew, this was a bitter angry person that hated me. My only rationalization of this was that her sister was the one behind all of this, just like last summer before when she would take her phone and ignore my phone calls and when I actually showed up at her house (4hrs away) to see if they were ok, she freaked out on me.
One day out of nowhere she texted me a long message saying that she had stalked my Facebook and saw that I commented to one of my friends posts who she said that she was tired of self absorbed selfish people and I told her, don't fret there is always people out there that care.  Well she took this comment as if I was calling her self absorbed selfish and that pretty much she did not want to be my friend anymore.

The irony of this is that I was not surprised about this at all, if it wasn't this it would have been another thing. This was just an excuse to get rid of me. How can someone you know for years and you open the doors to your house be so  thoughtless and vindictive? How is it that your supposed to be best friends but not have the dignity to respond to as text but have the time to stalk your Facebook to get an excuse to kill three years of loyal friendship?
My mind was enlightened that day, someone that would do that was not your friend at all. Friendship is a two way street and it takes effort from both parties to make it work.  In her text she literally said that she did not want to discuss anything nor make any kind of effort to be friends any more she just wanted this to end.

Days later I received a letter from her saying that she wasn't angry writing this letter, but that everytime she heard my name she felt sick to her stomach that pretty much I was the worst thing that happened to her, and that she'll miss that I was there for her when noone else would. Does this make any sense at all? Is sad to spend the last three years of your life and find out that to this person your friendship was worth a peanut. Well if anything life has thought me is that is time to move on and continue forward. From my part I did everything and anything to be a good friend a supportive friend. Now is my time to move forward and be supportive to my family, to renew old contacts and friendships, to be my self again.

The Sound of Music

My long last, and in a way, forbidden love of the violin seems to be finally materializing itself as it should be. Something tangible and congruent, a reality.

Back in 2007 I bought a cheap violin, according to me to be able to play it and make awesome music. Alas, the only music I was able to make with it was the sound of the case closing and the clicking of the door behind this instrument. At the time I had no formal training in anything about music whatsoever and more than anything I did not have any time. Having class Monday thru Saturday and Sundays off to do catch up work for all of them (22 credits are not that easy when one is a pre-med major).  Needless to say that I lacked the patience and expertise in basic sight reading to be able to play even an open string G.

My brother's sudden interest in the instrument made him acquire a beautiful violin and an awesome new set of skills. Exactly like the kid that starts playing with the discarded toy because the new kid started playing with it, that's exactly how the interested in this instrument flared up again.  Now my brother, as my ever so patience  teacher has allowed me to at least start to develop the skills that allow "mediocrily" play a melody. One thing I do have to say about playing a string instrument. IT FUCKING HURTS!

The tips of my fingers have been in pain for days now from pressing them against the strings. It feels as if the strings are cutting your fingers in half and it burns. The days after it feels like the tips of my fingers are asleep, numb and tingling. It's ALL worth it. I feel the awesome level of accomplishment a child gets from learning to read. All of the sudden I can make sense of a music sheet. It really has open my ears and eyes to a new world.

Besides my fingers hurting, no bitching rant. I'm pleased and very glad that I have found found my love for music that I had lost a while back.  The sound of music has found me; again.

There and Back Again

Since my last post I was pretty much unemployed but then out of nowhere on my own bed, from my phone, I decided to scout the evil realms of internet to look for a job. Needless to say that that same night I had a job and I had to start the very next day :)
I had to pack bread in an assembly line type of work. There was only 3 people in total and there was a lot of work to be done. I kept thinking on how I have a science degree and I have to be in a factory packing bread to be able to afford my education! Seems in a way counter productive since the whole point to go to school is not to do this kind of jobs.  It's only temporary I keep saying to myself.  Well this job seemed pretty good until we had to get payed for all those extra hours we worked.  Well it turns out that these people didn't want to pay the over time, love to give orders to their workers and complained about everything. Not exactly a smart move when all the work is done by the only 3 people they have because you're so cheap to hire someone else. Anyway, all that I could forgive in a way but what I could not take anymore is that they misstreated this 19 year old kid because he was part black. Obviously they didn't say it was because he was black but everytime all of the boss's family and him would just start yelling at him for no reason whatsoever. My boss's dad was very abusive as well to the point that he almost tried to hit the black kid with a cable.  I could not take that anymore, all of the workers, the kid another guy and me, decided to leave that job at the same time. We left and demanded our last pay check. We left them with orders to do for three states that they had to do on their own.
In a way I don't feel bad because people like that only have money because they take advantage of poor people's nesessity, mistreating and abusing, not to mention stealing money from their own workers. Racism was just the cherry on top.
Eitherway, now I'm back on my bed looking for a job again thus the title.
Ps. Glad I'm done with them :)