Signs from God

So when the darkest hour happens I'm never alone. . .

There I am, again the solitude creeps in my bones like the cold does so efficiently.  The only one physically there with me is my ever-loyal dog. Always there for me, never-quivering-loyalty. All the plotting of betrayal clouds my mind like a volcano waiting to erupt. I walk the streets in the middle of the night just talking to myself seeing what is it that I can do? Do I even want to do something about it...Can I even do something about it?

So you are going to betray me tomorrow and the only thing I can do is hope that you don't. I look up to the sky and the first thing that I see is a bright light falling. A star has fallen from the sky, no, a ray of hope has appeared before me.  Definitely hope that there is the possibility of still love lingering within. as I stay there thinking about this the direction in which this star fell there is a rolled piece of paper. Two bills $20 dollars each. Forty dollars? From the sky? This is definitely no coincidence. God is speaking to me. Money won't be the problem, but more importantly the hope that the betrayal will not occur is been sown.

I get home and stay in the porch, sitting there listening to the old music I used to listen, when I was happy. Reminiscing on my old happiness rather than my loneliness. My best friend at my side protecting me from everything, we both sit in the cold. My dog and I; hoping for a better tomorrow.

The Lark Ascending.

The Struggle Goes On

    Just when you think that everything is fine and you can look forward in life. . . Shit happens.
It has been a long year with definitely life changing events and the only thing that really keeps me going is "I don't know." Such is the realization of the cruel reality that I see that in many many ways is easier to comprehend a science fiction novel. It amazes me the amount of turmoil a human being can withstand as well as the amount of cruelty another one can inflict. Sure no one's life is particularly easy, and I shouldn't be bragging but you know what? This is my fucking diary so yea this is my own "private" way of complaining to help myself feel a little bit more human, a little bit more "normal" and definitely in order to keep an open heart and not drown into bitterness. In a way, a cathartic way of releasing poison that is injected to me on the daily.  Who in their right minds actually loves to get rejected by everything and everyone first thing in the morning to the end of the night. I many times feel, experience and am exactly that. When you feel that PUSH, it used to make my blood boil, now it just makes my heart cry and break a little more each time. All in all I'm beginning to become so broken I'm beginning to take any shape, no wall not anything just pieces so small I become grains of sand in the soon to be broken hourglass.

What is fairness anyway?

It has been a couple of hectic months in my life,  busy  with work and most definitely with my life.  A lot of holidays and new years arrived.  The difference between my boyfriend's family an mine has showed itself and quite honestly it had made me think about my current situation with my life and the path it is taking.  Since my parents are always in church to receive the new year with the Lord.  I decided to pass the old year and welcome the new one with my new family (my boyfriend).  I  got to his house and all his family was there,  all his brothers and sisters. As the official count down to the end of the year was going on and the ball in times Square marked the beginning of  the new year and in my own way,  the explosions of the fireworks signified the catharsis that my life was about to take.  As the glasses filled with alcohol were raised to celebrate the new year and hugs were given; my boyfriend kissed me in front of all his family. 

This simple action as  kiss can be was such  a liberation and at the same time it was such an eye opening for me.  I had realized something very important.  This was no wrong at all,  in fact this was something accepted by everyone in there and it wasn't punished but all the contrary.  It was normal.

I realized that it was quite unfair for my boyfriend to be able to  do this for me but that I could not reciprocate.  This was the moment that I realized that I needed to  risk everything in order to be able to love him without hiding in my own house.  I NEEDED TO  COME OUT!

Why is it so hard to be me?

It sounds as if it's the rant of a needy teen that's always had everything.  The sad part is that at least in my eyes I keep thinking that is not quite like that.  The  truth is that I have been taking care of everyone in my house since I swap a small child and to be completely honest it seems like this has been my nature since then.  Take care of everyone and everything in order for the rest to be comfortable and happy even at the sacrifice of myself. Now as I keep on continuing this relationship I,  more than ever,  seem to actually be taking some time for myself and it feels so foreing and desperation... it feels wrong.  One of the things my boyfriend told me was  "you're to busy taking care of everybody,  but  who's taking care of you? " - - - at that moment I realized that he was completely right.  Who's taking care of me?  Even with all of this in here I feel ... Still...  Alone.  I'm walking alone in this path and quite frankly and unfortunately the only one I have to rely on to go on is me.

Follow the road, said the voice.

I can't believe that i have taken such step.  Officially on December fifth I am no longer single.  The whole story is actually quite random yet romantic  in my eyes  but that would be another post.  Perhaps one of those sentimental-valentine's-type kinda post. The whole purpose of this post actually has a lot to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend. 

Coming out had crossed my mind many times during my life,  definitely the most difficult  part was coming out to myself. The most challenging part of that was to be able to define who I really was.  I never saw a distinction in the gender of the person that I loved.  It always was about the person behind the husk of flesh and bone inside it.  People around me though always seemed to put a label on that.  I at one point in my life  I was obsessed in trying to find the label that could appeal to me but  the difficult part was that none of them actually fit.  I was not quite,   sure why but deep inside it I felt that it would help me stop wondering and actually stay living and standing for something in my life.  

When I was  19 I finally figured it all out.  Pansexuality seemed so fitting.  Is not about the gender but the person.  At that moment I really did not cared about  my mom or dad knew about me or not.  Religion and the way they view the world would not have been of any help anyway. 

 Finally though now at my boyfriend's house I see how welcomed i am.  How normal all this seems to them.  This new year's eve he actually kisses me in front of his mom and siblings and they where so normal about it... It hit me,  I wanted the same for him.  I don't want to hide him or the love I have for him.  If that's going to cost me everything I have then so be it.  It would all be worth it since my life and everything I have would make no sense if it's not with him.  It is not fair for me to do this to him,  to have him in the shadows for my own cowardice.  

We went to a small bistro by my old house  and and we talked and that's when he was talking to me about his coming out stories with his siblings and mom.  Then he listened to me about how hard it has been for me and he said.  "you're going to get thru this... We're going to get thru this "

Hold my hand along the candle-lit path of freedom

It has been about 3 haircuts since last time I did the first "cut" to the umbilical cord that has tied me inside of a wall of ice.  My reasoning has always been to protect my family from the shame of having a son like me. It is true that a black stain is more noticeable than all the good things one does.

 Lately, I have been tired of all the façade that my life has been, of all the secrets... They used to bring me excitement and sadness all at once. Having a triple life and keep a straight face in the midst of adversity and tragedy and still be the giddy happy person that your family expect, the happy and efficient worker that is required out of you and the passionate caring lover and crazy person that's expected out of you... All achieved painfully... flawlessly.  A seemly happy life and a thousand faces to give, yet the wearer of such things remains hollow. An empty marionette that loves flawlessly according to its handler.

What does all of this really mean for the health of the individual that's is supposed to be me. Many times i just don't know what to feel, it seems that just when i find a good thing in my life society,  culture,  but more importantly family is what keeps me in this shackles of adversity.  I'm in quick sand, quickly sinking.  Is anyone out there who can truly and genuinely save me from drowning? 

Clearing The Fog... Revealing a Thick Wall Of Ice. Time To Face The Brittleness Of Reality.

In the last post I mentioned that I finally had bit more of an advantage in getting around the world.  Still getting there. Now most definitely I'm actually getting more and more comfortable being behind the wheel. At the beginning it was quite a daunting task which I had to multitasking and struggle to keep an eye on the road, traffic, and random pedestrians crossing in the middle of the road at night, and on the mirrors. I know it doesn't sound like much but it felt like a lot  when you drive in a city so close to NYC. In short, no one knows how to drive and you end up getting bitched for driving in the right direction at the right speed and not running over a red light or a person lol.

Well besides all the driving and road rage. New things with me seem to happen in a daily basis. The more and more humid the weather got the more and more I felt so frustrated with my hair. Just so you know my hair used to be down to my waist. The fact that my hair is wavy wasn't helping my case. So after four years I finally took the plunge and went to fifth avenue in NYC to get a haircut. For those of you who don't know is quite a bit of money to do it there but I wanted to get something good since I hadn't gotten a haircut in over four years. Well needless to say I paid about $50 US dollars on a short haircut for a man. Anyways first time in a couple of years that I actually feel that I can do more with my hair than to put it in a pony tail. Also my neck got sunburned since I had my long hair protecting it from the sun no longer lol. That was a lot of digressing but I felt that it needed to be said since it has been forever since I have posted something here.

The same day that I was in NYC getting my haircut I felt like a whole different person. Walking to the streets of Manhattan and seeing everything else was as if i was a whole new person seeing everything all over again, yet surprisingly felt as a native from this city. After walking and seeing the city, the people and all on my way back, it hit me.  This was the place that I feel my mindset is married to. Getting in the bus on my way home and seeing the Empire State Building and all its colors looking at me was like two enormous arms extending themselves to me and saying "you are loved here" ALL of yourself is welcomed here; and for the first time in my life, I actually felt saddened to leave the city, to face the fake facade that is my life outside of the big apple.

Existential feelings happen to breeze around my psyche very deeply. I wonder what is going to happen with my life. What big achievements are actually going to happen, and definitely what the future of my loneliness will or will not bring. What can I do, and how can I do this? And yet still maintain my own sanity and integrity and definitely my own individuality without living in the shadows anymore. Would I miss hiding in the darkness? Would everything then be plain and dull once the veil of darkness has disappeared and unravel the reality of things? Of one thing I am certain, I should not fear but step through the darkness and face things bravely and intelligently as they come. I know God and confidence in myself will give me the strength required to surpass the brittleness of reality.