The Second Coming . . . Out

So it has been about a week since I dragged my cousin to his first bar, and I have to say that it has turned wonderfully. I discovered he has a huge tolerance to alcohol, and that he can definitely hold his liquor. That night he was super talkative and outgoing. Something that is not like him at all. He went outside to smoke and plain out asked me, "are you gay?" my answer was a bit defensive and I asked him "why, are YOU gay?" He so nonchalant responded may be bi if anything. This though has brought us super close in the few days since this declaration. He learned that I myself am bi and that I had a girl that I loved. I learned that he came out to his family already and that they think that this whole thing is a phase.  Last night we were drinking at the same bar and we started talking in the car until 2:30 am. He told me things about his ex and I told him about mine. I told him my coming out story and how wonderfully bad it was. As I was telling him the story I could see him feel the emotions I felt when I came out. I saw him sobbing and actually crying. He reached over to hug me and for some weird reason, I had no emotion to that. HE was crying for me, he was sympathetic to my pain. . . he was empathetic to me. Someone actually cared enough to feel what I felt, to cry because I couldn't cry, to make me feel strong and loved. He was being my rock, my pillar. Non-judgmental,  but a genuine human being that felt for me, on top of that he was my family. Where was he when this whole thing was happening before. . . he was going thru the same thing as I was, yet we were both dealing with it in such a lonely way; destructive way. He seems happy now, I am happy to have met him. Even though our ages differ for about 10 years exactly, I look up to him. He is my model of life right now and he doesn't even know it. I am re-discovering myself, trying to grasp the last of my youth. Scratching to stay connected and relevant. I feel so disassociated, isolated.  I am happy for the things and people that have come into my life. I shouldn't feel this depressed.

Bipolarity, Sweet and Bitter should just be kept extrictly to food

Every time I go with you is mainly a sea of sorrow followed by a few moments of bliss. You don't care about my opinions or my fears, you only care about you being comfortable. What do you care if I have to pay everything including the roof in which you live in. What do you care about the troubles of adulthood. You are just a kid, a kid that has tons of mood swings and the knowledge that you know that you are loved and that this person (me) can and will do anything you want to you is the only weapon you wield to cause harm.  Why do I even put myself in this situation. "let's go to the movies" says stupid me, rational me is "Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself, he's just going to demean your existence and make you feel worthless" . . . and I simply do it because in my stupid fantasy of a world I have faith that he will care and hold me, and listen to everything I have to say. That he will be interested in what I have to say, think and do. He worries about all the things I have to pay and he offers help so I won't be so stressed. He knows I'm tired, specially because of my job, and he knows that I need to rest. He's understanding, empathetic and helpful.  Reality is that he is selfish, ignorant, arrogant, condescending, impatient, and he hates being with me, listening to me and in short everything that has to do with me. Yet he is perfectly okay living at my expense. I'm tired of you being such an asshole and in a minute or two trying to be friendly and loving to me. YOU'RE A DOUCHE BAG!

How dare you look at pictures of others and then say "he's so hot" and then turn to me and sweet talk "are we going to get dinner after the movie" Fucking shameless asshole. Karma is really going to get you and I definitely need to stop being so permissive with stupid people that are not worth my time. You are just using me for your own benefit. I'm killing myself for you and you don't even flinch at the sight of me. Curse that I am still in love with you. Curse that I fucking do this for you, I hope you realize what you are doing to people, because the universe is funny that way. For every action you take, there's an equal and opposite reaction. . . The amount of that potential energy of negativity you surround yourself in will come back to haunt you. I won't have anything to do with it.

Tiredness, Old Age, or Plain Old STRESS!!!

Lately I have been super tired, not just your regular tired but like the exhausted type of tired.  Literally I wake up tired and remained like that until late at night. I knock out at about midnight and then the cycle continues. To be fair I have been working doubles lately, which means that I have been working since 8 AM until about 10-11 PM that's about 14 hours a day everyday. The issue is that lately even on my days off I'm just exhausted. Coffee has been my best friend though I have to be honest, its not quite working anymore. I recently purchased a multivitamin in the hopes that it might just be a vitamin deficiency. It's not a matter of lack of sleep anymore, is that there's just not enough hours in the day for me to remain asleep, and even when I wake up, my body is just physically drained. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Libido is taking its toll, I don't want to do anything like that anymore, though mentally I can. . . my body just wants to sleep.

Thinking about this I feel like all the time I'm always busy, and then I realize that I'm super busy inside my head. I'm always splitting my time between my family, my friends, and others. . . but I'm trying to do it all by accommodating them in to their schedule. I'm dragging everyone to success but at the cost of my own sanity. I always envied my brother and now at my ex on how they can block the rest of the world and they submerge themselves in their own world of either, video games, drawing, playing an instrument or whatever. I, on the other hand can't finish my own work because I drop everything to accommodate them so THEY can have a better quality of life.

I have started to take the bull by the horns and I actually stopped giving rides to people on Tuesdays. I need to stop on Sundays and possibly on Thursdays as well. I'm stretching myself too thin. Is a double work. ----- My dad tends to do that, and he's always so exhausted he just sleeps when he gets home--- I guess I had to get it from someone, but I need to stop the vicious cycle. This way of life is causing me to have a serious attack of stress and I'm so busy that I don't even know it, until now.

Today I didn't answered any phone calls or messages, besides helping my cousin out this morning, I didn't answer to anyone else. I put my cellphone in do not disturbed so only my brother could contact me in case of emergency. I haven't really accessed social media (not trying to keep up anymore with anyone's life until I keep up with mine) and I finally I'm using my laptop that I wanted for the longest. I cut my hair and took my dog out.

Never realized how I pull everyone in my life forward, but squash myself in the process.  The progress of this already started as I typed this rant.  .  . This is the reason why I have this blog.

This has been Firechild signing out.⽕⽕⽕

Is It Jealousy? ... You just became an asshole.

I'm barely here but when I'm here is for a reason, to bitch about my life.

Lately I have been questioning the "alliances" I have with my so called friends. . . are they just acquaintances? Are they using me? Are they just in it for their own purposes? In particular a friend which I esteemed a lot seems to lately been stealing my "dreams" I know I might be talking out of jealousy of the things I can't really do. He told me that he wants to go to the place I always wanted to go. My dream destination. The issue of this is that he was so insensitive at telling me all this. Him knowingly that I can't possibly get there and he can . . . I know this sounds too petty but quite honestly is equivalent to that kid that you tell him how awesome your favorite rock band is and how their songs speak to you so deep; and this kid goes and buys every shirt and paraphernalia from this band and calls you to let you know how "HE" is going to their concert whilst he doesn't know a thing about them. Makes you hurt that such "posy" behavior and I don't know if jealousy might quite be the feeling for this thing, but insensitivity is definitely it. A true friend would be look I got all these things and I know how much you like this band "LET'S GO TO THIS CONCERT TOGETHER." I am surrounded by selfish people. I know I'm not perfect but something I am more than anything is empathetic. I wouldn't flaunt it to anyone's face the things I can do when I know they are bound by chains.

In retrospective this is nothing to be bitching about but the fact that this happens practically everyday by people that love me [?] is so aggravating. I know I'm bitching about stupid stuff and things that wouldn't matter but when is the basis for "friendship,"  it really makes you thing if this is actually a friendship. Are you contacting me for me? Or is it because you like the places I take you and can get you in or is it because I can get you things, get you there. What if I can't, will you still see me as a "friend"? will you still think I'm worth the while. I'm I just useful to you that way and once I'm not am I going to end up in the dump where you throw everyone else?

I'm a ride, a bottle, a ticket, a pass, and ID but not a person... to you.

I need to stop letting people do this to me.

Anxiety rant

You have created an anxiety attack. Judgmental asshole, you have no idea who I am and the hoops I had to jump just to be alive. The things you have created and the growing I have done. I don't need a fucking kid that barely knows what life is to be so condescending in the way you relay your "help."

I said "I'm stressed because of the clutter of the house" and your reaction is to demean my existence. Then you feel so offended by my own issues as if I'm insulting you just for being alive, and you say, your troubles are soooo hard, your life is soooo difficult. You collect things and you are a hoarder and the thing is that you have issues and you need to deal with them. Fucking asshole you created half the issues in my life. Because of you I feel trapped in my own home, because of you I can't be the same with my family, because of you I am shut from the world, because of you I can't love like I loved you. Your fucking betrayal and your fucking ignorance, and transgression . . . . I just want to punch something and break it. I am so done.  You asked for my laptop and made me feel guilty for not giving you the only thing that I have bought and kept only for myself. Where I do my videos and write in my diary. You have indeed just asked me, no, DEMANDED, this and made me feel guilty. When you have your own laptop, your phone and the video game console I bought; which you use to talk to your fuck buddies.

You don't listen, you definitely don't listen to anyone but yourself. Talking to you is stressful because is only you being condescending about anything I talk about, and how your friends are better. Then go fuck yourself and go live with your fucking perfect friends. Stop mooching off  my good nature and if you are going to stay then find respect for me or get the fuck out. I'm so tired of fucking abusive assholes. I feel like I'm about to explode anytime. My two days off were wasted because of your fucking plans. I NEED to stop bending over backwards to your will. You're an asshole and I'm a dumb ass for thinking that you love me.

How dare you, you dis-help and create clutter in my heart. Cluttered with pain and wounds and your fuking NEEDS . . . go fuck yourself!!

Oh, What a Cluttered Mess That I AM

Today my day was just full of many many distractions and little things that just made me want to punch anyone in the face. From my car to my job to everything in between. I have been having many issues with my car. starting with the fact that I can't use it when it rains because it would stall on me. I had an armrest that was flimsy and that was partially broken so it took me about a year to finally get another one and then to actually install it was an ordeal in itself. I had to move the seat that won't budge. Everything is put together with zippy ties in this car. Get special tools to move somethings in the freaking heat, but finally I install it into place and here comes my fucking coworker and leans on this shit that was supposed to be able to be leaned on. IT'S A FREAKING ARM REST!"

----Anyway, the thing breaks and he tried to play it cool by not mentioning it but I saw it all happen in front of him.  He never apologized and it kinda tried to ignore it as if nothing happened. This damn thing is tearing a hole inside me. The damn flimsy shit is just there broken and doing NOT what is supposed to be doing. I'm dreading the fact that I have to fix it again.

----The other thing is that I came home and I'm trying to be on my laptop trying to not think about that and distract me from the world and the damn coffee table is too small to do any kind of work. So I end up bringing a  desk from the attic and everything gets out of order in the living room. The desk won't go with the decor, everything looks messy. So here I am moving things around, rearranging things and plugging and unplugging things to make sure that everything is in order and that it flows with the design; it is just not doing it.

I feel that everything here that I'm trying to do is rearrange and move things to make things work. . . I feel that this is more to do with the things going on in my life than anything else. Perhaps I'm trying to rearrange and move things so that other things in my life click into place, so that order and balance can be restored in my mind and in my heart. As I am typing this at two thirty in the morning, I am surrounded by clutter that makes me feel uneasy. The same clutter that distracts me in my mind and in my life from the real issues that I so hard try not to face.

............................................My coworker is still and asshole!

A painful peaceful night

I stare at that stool you kicked looking for comfort in cold sheets.

Once again I'm here... Here on the floor kicked and abused once more.  Just when I'm close to open the doors to my heart---there it goes again.  That abuse all over again.  I see you kick a chair to me,  throw a book at my head,  threaten me to break the porcelain doll I like,  smack a beer bottle so that it gets all over for me to clean.  But I'm the one "gas lighting"  you.  You're not a good person.  You are a selfish little brat that loves to manipulate your environment to your advantage to the cost  of others.  There's no honor in you.  There never was.  I put up with you because I feel trapped.  I don't know what to do,  where to go.  I'm alone.  My parents don't want to hear this,  my siblings won't know about this.  And  I - - - I just stay here and take it.  Though I should no longer.  I should kick you out of my life like you did to me.  Convenience is such an awesome thing when they're totally in love with you.  Sadly for me you're totally in love with yourself.  You don't know how to love. Only how to love yourself and sometimes I even whine about that.  Thus the need for approval from strangers.  Unjustified anger and frustration, that is you.