Random Rant of Frustration

I feel as  if nothing really has changed. It seems as if the only thing that changed is that we are doing the same thing except that we are very aware of it all. The jealousy thing is still very present and the mooching is definitely very very present. I'm so physically drained and tired. This makes me so . . . TIRED. I thought work was the one responsible of me being so drained of all energy, I realize now that it's all because I'm still dealing with this whole thing. Even as I type this I'm nodding off  into overthinking my situation with this 'relationship.' I'm going to bed. . .

Truth is . . . I'm  going to bed to overthink things and then feel frustrated by his happiness on his games, in more than one way.

FwB = Freedom?

So lots of things have happened. . . as always ^_^! but to summarize almost a year of the lack of blogging. I think that I am doing better. I have come to the conclusion and awareness that I am nothing that much to this guy and that I need to start moving on seriously this time. We have had come to an agreement that we won't hide anything from each other and that we would be open to a new kind of arrangement. FWB seems to fit the label, as such a stigma as this holds I believe that this might be for the best. I hate having to hide and him lie about nothing, specially when there is no need for it. Hopefully this doesn't blow up in our faces but to be honest at least for now I'm beginning to feel a bit more "free." It's a start.

When life throws you down, let me kick you in the teeth.

This is becoming very cumbersome, the fact that there's a lot of things going on and I am expected to take care of all the things. Real shit has hit the fan and it all seems like I'm struggling to keep my head out of water. I got stopped by the cops and got issued a ticked that I cannot afford, the rent went up, my bills are piling up and to make everything worse I'm being charged a fee that I really don't need. The registration of my cars is here, I have to pay for a lot of things and I cannot see a sign of relief. To make matters worse I'm stuck here with the issues my brother is making for me. My other brother is leaving and I'm to move upstairs, my ex is not making things easier. Putting pressure on me mentally and physically. 100 year old grandma will be here with us for a few days and it seems as if she's become more needy than anything. Very difficult trying to co-exist here. Sometimes I feel as if I just want to drop everything and leave. Get a fresh start.

I'm not really sure where the future is going to take me, as of now I'm just trying to get out of this fucking hole. I don't even have a child and I feel like the weight of the world is on me. The irresponsibility of the people around me is getting to me. To be completely honest sometimes I just want to die. I've taken responsibility for everyone is this house and now is becoming a thing at the job where I spend about 70 hours of my week. People are attained there too. I'm starting to feel that what I need to do is let people fend on their own. They're killing me.

The Second Coming . . . Out

So it has been about a week since I dragged my cousin to his first bar, and I have to say that it has turned wonderfully. I discovered he has a huge tolerance to alcohol, and that he can definitely hold his liquor. That night he was super talkative and outgoing. Something that is not like him at all. He went outside to smoke and plain out asked me, "are you gay?" my answer was a bit defensive and I asked him "why, are YOU gay?" He so nonchalant responded may be bi if anything. This though has brought us super close in the few days since this declaration. He learned that I myself am bi and that I had a girl that I loved. I learned that he came out to his family already and that they think that this whole thing is a phase.  Last night we were drinking at the same bar and we started talking in the car until 2:30 am. He told me things about his ex and I told him about mine. I told him my coming out story and how wonderfully bad it was. As I was telling him the story I could see him feel the emotions I felt when I came out. I saw him sobbing and actually crying. He reached over to hug me and for some weird reason, I had no emotion to that. HE was crying for me, he was sympathetic to my pain. . . he was empathetic to me. Someone actually cared enough to feel what I felt, to cry because I couldn't cry, to make me feel strong and loved. He was being my rock, my pillar. Non-judgmental,  but a genuine human being that felt for me, on top of that he was my family. Where was he when this whole thing was happening before. . . he was going thru the same thing as I was, yet we were both dealing with it in such a lonely way; destructive way. He seems happy now, I am happy to have met him. Even though our ages differ for about 10 years exactly, I look up to him. He is my model of life right now and he doesn't even know it. I am re-discovering myself, trying to grasp the last of my youth. Scratching to stay connected and relevant. I feel so disassociated, isolated.  I am happy for the things and people that have come into my life. I shouldn't feel this depressed.

Bipolarity, Sweet and Bitter should just be kept extrictly to food

Every time I go with you is mainly a sea of sorrow followed by a few moments of bliss. You don't care about my opinions or my fears, you only care about you being comfortable. What do you care if I have to pay everything including the roof in which you live in. What do you care about the troubles of adulthood. You are just a kid, a kid that has tons of mood swings and the knowledge that you know that you are loved and that this person (me) can and will do anything you want to you is the only weapon you wield to cause harm.  Why do I even put myself in this situation. "let's go to the movies" says stupid me, rational me is "Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself, he's just going to demean your existence and make you feel worthless" . . . and I simply do it because in my stupid fantasy of a world I have faith that he will care and hold me, and listen to everything I have to say. That he will be interested in what I have to say, think and do. He worries about all the things I have to pay and he offers help so I won't be so stressed. He knows I'm tired, specially because of my job, and he knows that I need to rest. He's understanding, empathetic and helpful.  Reality is that he is selfish, ignorant, arrogant, condescending, impatient, and he hates being with me, listening to me and in short everything that has to do with me. Yet he is perfectly okay living at my expense. I'm tired of you being such an asshole and in a minute or two trying to be friendly and loving to me. YOU'RE A DOUCHE BAG!

How dare you look at pictures of others and then say "he's so hot" and then turn to me and sweet talk "are we going to get dinner after the movie" Fucking shameless asshole. Karma is really going to get you and I definitely need to stop being so permissive with stupid people that are not worth my time. You are just using me for your own benefit. I'm killing myself for you and you don't even flinch at the sight of me. Curse that I am still in love with you. Curse that I fucking do this for you, I hope you realize what you are doing to people, because the universe is funny that way. For every action you take, there's an equal and opposite reaction. . . The amount of that potential energy of negativity you surround yourself in will come back to haunt you. I won't have anything to do with it.

Tiredness, Old Age, or Plain Old STRESS!!!

Lately I have been super tired, not just your regular tired but like the exhausted type of tired.  Literally I wake up tired and remained like that until late at night. I knock out at about midnight and then the cycle continues. To be fair I have been working doubles lately, which means that I have been working since 8 AM until about 10-11 PM that's about 14 hours a day everyday. The issue is that lately even on my days off I'm just exhausted. Coffee has been my best friend though I have to be honest, its not quite working anymore. I recently purchased a multivitamin in the hopes that it might just be a vitamin deficiency. It's not a matter of lack of sleep anymore, is that there's just not enough hours in the day for me to remain asleep, and even when I wake up, my body is just physically drained. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Libido is taking its toll, I don't want to do anything like that anymore, though mentally I can. . . my body just wants to sleep.

Thinking about this I feel like all the time I'm always busy, and then I realize that I'm super busy inside my head. I'm always splitting my time between my family, my friends, and others. . . but I'm trying to do it all by accommodating them in to their schedule. I'm dragging everyone to success but at the cost of my own sanity. I always envied my brother and now at my ex on how they can block the rest of the world and they submerge themselves in their own world of either, video games, drawing, playing an instrument or whatever. I, on the other hand can't finish my own work because I drop everything to accommodate them so THEY can have a better quality of life.

I have started to take the bull by the horns and I actually stopped giving rides to people on Tuesdays. I need to stop on Sundays and possibly on Thursdays as well. I'm stretching myself too thin. Is a double work. ----- My dad tends to do that, and he's always so exhausted he just sleeps when he gets home--- I guess I had to get it from someone, but I need to stop the vicious cycle. This way of life is causing me to have a serious attack of stress and I'm so busy that I don't even know it, until now.

Today I didn't answered any phone calls or messages, besides helping my cousin out this morning, I didn't answer to anyone else. I put my cellphone in do not disturbed so only my brother could contact me in case of emergency. I haven't really accessed social media (not trying to keep up anymore with anyone's life until I keep up with mine) and I finally I'm using my laptop that I wanted for the longest. I cut my hair and took my dog out.

Never realized how I pull everyone in my life forward, but squash myself in the process.  The progress of this already started as I typed this rant.  .  . This is the reason why I have this blog.

This has been Firechild signing out.⽕⽕⽕

Is It Jealousy? ... You just became an asshole.

I'm barely here but when I'm here is for a reason, to bitch about my life.

Lately I have been questioning the "alliances" I have with my so called friends. . . are they just acquaintances? Are they using me? Are they just in it for their own purposes? In particular a friend which I esteemed a lot seems to lately been stealing my "dreams" I know I might be talking out of jealousy of the things I can't really do. He told me that he wants to go to the place I always wanted to go. My dream destination. The issue of this is that he was so insensitive at telling me all this. Him knowingly that I can't possibly get there and he can . . . I know this sounds too petty but quite honestly is equivalent to that kid that you tell him how awesome your favorite rock band is and how their songs speak to you so deep; and this kid goes and buys every shirt and paraphernalia from this band and calls you to let you know how "HE" is going to their concert whilst he doesn't know a thing about them. Makes you hurt that such "posy" behavior and I don't know if jealousy might quite be the feeling for this thing, but insensitivity is definitely it. A true friend would be look I got all these things and I know how much you like this band "LET'S GO TO THIS CONCERT TOGETHER." I am surrounded by selfish people. I know I'm not perfect but something I am more than anything is empathetic. I wouldn't flaunt it to anyone's face the things I can do when I know they are bound by chains.

In retrospective this is nothing to be bitching about but the fact that this happens practically everyday by people that love me [?] is so aggravating. I know I'm bitching about stupid stuff and things that wouldn't matter but when is the basis for "friendship,"  it really makes you thing if this is actually a friendship. Are you contacting me for me? Or is it because you like the places I take you and can get you in or is it because I can get you things, get you there. What if I can't, will you still see me as a "friend"? will you still think I'm worth the while. I'm I just useful to you that way and once I'm not am I going to end up in the dump where you throw everyone else?

I'm a ride, a bottle, a ticket, a pass, and ID but not a person... to you.

I need to stop letting people do this to me.