Superfluous

It's amazing the amount of bullshit that a human mind and body can actually endure. I keep thinking on the things that are going thru my life. Apparently I'm a rebound, from a past relationship. This makes so much sense now. The violence, the apathy, the lack of interest and love. I was just in the way of someone's love. I was just a step for them to get up and move on with life. In the process, this foot stepped on me and pushed me into the mud.

Cousin I know you are trying such "aesthetic" and making it seem as if you actually care. Seems like you wanted to walk with me not to make me feel better but to show that you can care about someone. I felt the cold, not from the weather but from the hurried feet that I had to keep up with. The lack of sympathy when you talked to your friends thru your headset, the good bye hug and the hurried hushed mumbling of dis-genuine "you're like a brother" sentence that seemed forced due to my conversation with you. 

I'm depressed yea that is true, it seems like I am depressed because of the people and the lack of sympathy I have been getting from those that I thought I was the closest. I am nothing but an afterthought. Nothing but a rebound. Nothing but a second choice because the best has deserted them. . . 

What to do now is what I wonder. I feel like getting lost and disappearing from everyone's life just to get back at them. Unfortunately I believe that my disappearance will not even be noticed. Everyone is busiest with their own life, to care for mine; unless it brings them something. I'm glad I don't have a car right now, people cannot depend on me for anything and have to show their true colours. I'm nothing but a ride to some. 

Such superfluity.

The things I do for you are the things I wouldn't do for anyone. I loved you enough to fuck things up so badly that in a way I became the thing i swore never to become. You were mean and manipulating and abusive but in the end it is how I handled all things. I tried to do things correctly with you and to be honest I did. You on the other hand just fucked up again and again, I never held you accountable and you took advantage of that. You became one of the many that really don't know me and accuse me of the things that you hate the most. Yourself. You just don't want me to be happy because that way I am your slave that you can control whenever you like. I am here waiting for I don't know what, I just want to feel safe and loved in my own place. In a place where love is exuded from everywhere and myself is not the sacrificial pawn or the sacrificial twig in the fire (a faggot). I need a new approach to my own life and give myself my own worth. You insult me and put me down and haze me and punch me and abuse me in order to put yourself higher from everything and everyone. I have been your stepping stool for you to be able to move up in the world. I hope that you take a full advantage of all that. I certainly hope that my being your sacrifice helps you be a better person not that bitter thing that you are. You hate me and you love me within a span of 2 or 3 minutes. this bipolarity in your interactions with me are destroying me.

 The more I keep thinking about this the more and more I keep getting depressed. I'm becoming an introvert that is looking for answers in a song. Music has found its way back into my life. Jealousy  is taking place in my life I'm jealous for how everyone can find comfort in music and they find it so easy; where as me it seems like a chore and is not easy to find the right song, band or anything that can help me with what I'm going thru. I'm rambling about depression and I keep seeing everyone moving on without me. I'm going down and down a whole of darkness and misunderstanding. Everything I have is falling apart and the only thing I can do is keep on swimming, not to drown in adversity.  Yet again---- I must focus on myself--- not just talk about it but actually do it! I must do my own things for myself and make sure that I am able to move on. Let's not get hurt again. Build that husk to protect you one more time and let's be numb for a little bit. Let's crank that 4 wheel drive and go up that hill. . . I hope the summit is not lonely like down here.

Isn't it a human thing to hate to be hated? Perhaps is human to hate.

       So I have been a bit calculating about the relationships I have with people and my regular interactions with my coworkers. In retrospective most of them have been quite nice to me. A bit more friend than coworker. Ironically in that self reflection I have come to realize the fact that the people that judge me the most and have the worst things to say about me, is my own family. My uncle working there is the one that is so awkward to me and thru my cousin I have found out that he doesn't like me. I'm fine with it but ironically deep deep inside me this is eating me. It is always an asshole who tends to judge you by your sexuality but has no idea of who you really are. On his birthday I hugged him and said happy birthday. That was the coldest most awkward hug I have given a statue. My uncle. This guy didn't even say thank you he just walked away. My ex is completely right I keep looking for acknowledgment from people that don't deserve to be acknowledged themselves. It eats at me not having this in my life. Acceptance has been always such a hard thing for  me to get. It has always been hate and misunderstanding. Rarely I get someone who wants to and is capable of understanding me. Seems to me that only my dog is the one that truly doesn't judge me and love me unconditionally. The opinions of my uncle can be shoved up his fucking straight homophobic asshole, where they belong. This is my space to rant so fuck you uncle, fuck you cousin for using sexuality to fit in with your insecurities and fuck all the people that used me to get something and threw me in a ditch when I was not of use to them. All of you can go suck a dick and I hope you find each other with the person you were with me.  I hope you feel what I felt and that you can reflect in  your irrational spread of hatred.  I hope guilt eats at you for all the things that you have done to people like me.
     Persecution ends here and it ends now. If you hate me I hope that such hate isolates you from intelligible rational human beings that have a sense of compassion and "humanity."

PS. Fuck you all!

Quick food for thought.

So I keep saying that I'm going to stop paying attention to him and I also keep saying that I'm going to ignore him. Well . . . That's not really happening and in fact it's becoming worse. Now it has come to the point that he won't even acknowledge my presence unless he needs something from me. I keep trying to deny him but I'm very bad at this. I tend to just give in because it is easier for me to do that and ruin my day in order to make his better, than to just deny him. It makes me feel anxious if I say no to him. Seems like I have left something unfinished and it eats me from the inside to the point that I can't let it go.

I need to come up with a solution to all this so I can have my own time. . . my own life. He obviously does.

Random Rant of Frustration

I feel as  if nothing really has changed. It seems as if the only thing that changed is that we are doing the same thing except that we are very aware of it all. The jealousy thing is still very present and the mooching is definitely very very present. I'm so physically drained and tired. This makes me so . . . TIRED. I thought work was the one responsible of me being so drained of all energy, I realize now that it's all because I'm still dealing with this whole thing. Even as I type this I'm nodding off  into overthinking my situation with this 'relationship.' I'm going to bed. . .

Truth is . . . I'm  going to bed to overthink things and then feel frustrated by his happiness on his games, in more than one way.

FwB = Freedom?

So lots of things have happened. . . as always ^_^! but to summarize almost a year of the lack of blogging. I think that I am doing better. I have come to the conclusion and awareness that I am nothing that much to this guy and that I need to start moving on seriously this time. We have had come to an agreement that we won't hide anything from each other and that we would be open to a new kind of arrangement. FWB seems to fit the label, as such a stigma as this holds I believe that this might be for the best. I hate having to hide and him lie about nothing, specially when there is no need for it. Hopefully this doesn't blow up in our faces but to be honest at least for now I'm beginning to feel a bit more "free." It's a start.

When life throws you down, let me kick you in the teeth.

This is becoming very cumbersome, the fact that there's a lot of things going on and I am expected to take care of all the things. Real shit has hit the fan and it all seems like I'm struggling to keep my head out of water. I got stopped by the cops and got issued a ticked that I cannot afford, the rent went up, my bills are piling up and to make everything worse I'm being charged a fee that I really don't need. The registration of my cars is here, I have to pay for a lot of things and I cannot see a sign of relief. To make matters worse I'm stuck here with the issues my brother is making for me. My other brother is leaving and I'm to move upstairs, my ex is not making things easier. Putting pressure on me mentally and physically. 100 year old grandma will be here with us for a few days and it seems as if she's become more needy than anything. Very difficult trying to co-exist here. Sometimes I feel as if I just want to drop everything and leave. Get a fresh start.

I'm not really sure where the future is going to take me, as of now I'm just trying to get out of this fucking hole. I don't even have a child and I feel like the weight of the world is on me. The irresponsibility of the people around me is getting to me. To be completely honest sometimes I just want to die. I've taken responsibility for everyone is this house and now is becoming a thing at the job where I spend about 70 hours of my week. People are attained there too. I'm starting to feel that what I need to do is let people fend on their own. They're killing me.